I put my changed mind to the challenge this weekend. I had some money issues once again. I had hoped the STBX would come through with the money he promised for the daycare. I hoped really hard. But again, there was a let down.
I texted him on Sunday. I asked him if I could get the money he owed since my account was very short on funds, in fact, it was overdrawn. He called shortly after I sent the message. I figured since I had bailed him out many times, that he could do the same for me. I do not ask for help very often and when I do, I usually ask my brother. This time I went to the source…the source that owed me and my son money for child support. I had high hopes for our conversation as well. But my hopes were dashed.
Prior to getting the phone call, I logged in to my bank account. Then I logged in to his bank account. I saw a balance. The balance he had in his accounts had enough money to pay the child support he owed. I logged out of the account and waited for the call.
It began in an understanding manner. He seemed willing to help. I told him the situation and that I had to pay three weeks of daycare and his insurance and it has left me broke and overdrawn. He then begins lecturing me. “You know, don’t take this wrong, but I really don’t like the overdrawn thing.”
Huh? Was he talking to me? Seriously? He is the one that is always overdrawn. Seriously?
“But, I am rarely overdrawn. The only time I overdraw is when you tell me you are sending me money and it doesn’t happen. Then I spend the money that you tell me you are going to send trusting that you will.”
Yeah, I played the guilt card which quickly turned into an argument.
“Oh, okay. It’s always my fault, I see. You never do anything wrong.”
“You know, I have bailed you out quite a few times in the last year, why can’t you help me this time?”
“Oh, you helped me once.”
We argued a bit more. And I finally told him that we do not need his help. We do not need his money and I am not going to argue. I am in such a good place, this stuff isn’t going to bother me. We will get through it like everything else. And, I hung up on him.
I put the phone on silent and took a shower. He apparently called and texted several times. My son was playing with my phone and shut the call down every time it rang. He had a conversation with his dad the day before and was frustrated. His dad couldn’t hear him or wasn’t listening or both and was giving canned responses to everything my son said. My kiddo is very smart; he knows when his father isn’t paying attention. He just stopped talking to him and let the phone sit on my bed. The STBX eventually asked if he was there and asked to speak to me. My kiddo said his “I love yous” and handed me the phone.
But anyhow, after the shower I took my boy to the playground and took a walk. Nothing is going to take my joy and peace away. I enjoy my son with every ounce of my being. My anger is so short lived and dissipates quickly. I have too much to enjoy and I am not letting anything stand in the way of that. I lose too much when I let my anger with the STBX take over. My life is so good. It is wonderful. I am free of this grip he had on me. I am free of my anger’s grip. It feels so good.
I say what I need to say and I let go. Letting go is really an art. You have to learn it. Feel it, say what you need and leave it. I ignored the texts and calls I received from him all day. Later that evening while I was cooking dinner, I responded. He had apologized and begged for me to answer his calls. I declined gracefully. I told him I was too angry and could not talk to him. I told him I understood he was sorry, but that I did not think he was sorry for not being able to pay support that was owed to us. I told him that I had a suspicion that he did have enough money to pay what he owed, whether in his pocket or in his account and he just wasn’t paying. He said he would pay me this week, as he would be in a better place money-wise. I told him he would owe double by that time. No response.
I left it. I slept wonderfully. Life is wonderful. I cannot deny the joy that is in my face. I love spending time with my boy and seeing the joy that it brings him. I love hearing him tell me that he loves me so much after I take him to the train festival, or Legoland or the playground. My boy appreciates every little bit that I give to him and the things I do for him. We have joy and it is so spectacular. I think it’s quite awesome that I have realized this and that I have found my joy.
I feel happy. I am happy. I am mommy!