Mortality and Regret

It’s funny. All of the issues I had with my marriage came from my upbringing. Being the child of an alcoholic wasn’t easy. My father was an easy target for the small-minded townspeople that I grew up with. I heard about it at school. I heard it from my so called friends, but mostly kids that weren’t my friends.

When my mom finally left my dad and, the following year, we moved away from that small town and those small people. I was so terribly sad that my dad didn’t want me. He didn’t beg us to stay or ask me to stay with him. You know that scene in “Hope Floats” where the little girl has her suitcase packed ready to go with her dad. Then he pushes her away and tells her “I’ve gotta go” and then he drives away and she’s left sobbing hard. I felt her pain. I know that pain. That scene has always struck a chord with me. It always made me sob.

Then I grow up, meet a man. He’s great. Wonderful. Miserable. And I was in love. He was just like my dad. My therapist gave me insight after I had my son. I asked her why I married someone just like my dad. She simply said, “because you want to change the outcome.” How incredibly true…and sad.

Now, today in fact, I find out my dad is dying. He has inoperable pancreatic cancer. He has three to seven months to live. I am terribly sad. But I also find myself hurt and angry with him, just like the day we left him. But my daddy is dying. I will never be able to change the outcome. Never.

I have always had my head full of words and thought up conversations I would have with him. Expressing my feelings to him and whatnot. But my dad is not someone you can really talk to. Or maybe I could have and I just didn’t feel comfortable. Maybe I didn’t trust him with my feelings since I was hurt so often. But whatever, it is pretty painful to know that I will not be able to have that conversation with my dad. I so wanted our relationship to be better, closer.

There is no moral to this story. There are no winners. Just some losers, including me. I am losing a dad. My dad is losing his life. This is sad. No matter what, I still love my dad and I know my dad loves me.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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