Things HAVE Changed. I Have Changed.

It’s amazing what can happen when you let go.  And I have truly let go.  I am so far gone from that stoop that I teetered on a year ago.  On occasion, I do get frustrated, but not like I used to.  My anger level has waned since I prepare for the worst of dealing with my STBX.

My son is now used to not hearing from his father.  He swoops in for a bit then swoops back out.  My STBX was doing well there for a moment.  He’s gotten a new job, he paid one installment of child support and he was sober and calling our son for a month.  Now, he has disappeared again.

He disappeared after he left me a voicemail message.  At first I thought it was a cryptic, drunken message where he forgotten who he was or maybe he was sleeping while leaving me a message and woke up thinking it was just a dream.  It started like this:

“Hey, Kristi.

Yeah.

Uh huh.

Um, yeah, where’s M.

Uh huh.

Yeah, let me call you back…”

It went on for an entire minute.  I don’t understand why someone would leave a fake message for an entire minute. He could have hung up after the first “Let me call you back” but he didn’t.  It went on to say something less than audible…like “Yeah, I put 40 in.”  Ha!  I think that is what it said, but he hasn’t put money in my account for at least two weeks. He had told me he would put money in for M’s doctor bills, but nothing.  He told me he would put money in for his order of M’s school pictures, but nothing.  I really didn’t expect him to.  I figured it was worth a try though.  I keep him informed and my job is done.  I have let go of the anger that came with expecting him to follow through on his monetary promises.  I know it’s not going to happen.

As for the reason for the long, fake message, I am sure it was for the benefit of his girlfriend with whom I am sure he is back with if he is leaving this long of a lying message.  Poor, stupid girl.

He probably called her right after he called me two weekends ago.  We were getting ready for bed; it had been a late night.  The phone rang at a little after 10pm.  Of course it was him and I have no idea why I answered.  M told me he didn’t want to talk to him so it was left to me.  I informed him we were getting ready for bed and it is late.  He wearily told me he loved me.  I told him I had to go.  He told me again and begged for me to say that I loved him.  I could not.  I hung up on him instead.  I don’t love him.  That love has long since been destroyed by our respective demons.  His are still not conquered.  I have mine under control, mostly.  I have my moments…but I grow every day and I am proud of who I am becoming.

I am a great mom and focus 100% on my child.  I give him what he needs and on occasion, give him what he wants without spoiling him.  He earns his “treats”.  He gets all of my love and attention.

So, how have these changes affected me?  My acne has all but subsided.  I cannot believe the change in my skin since I have stopped letting him get under my skin.  The subsiding stress has relieved many things in my life, but this was the most irritating to me.  i still break out a little around that time of the month, but it’s nothing now.  Just a couple of blemishes instead of about twenty.  I get a lot more sleep.  I have a lot more fun.  I enjoy my boy so much more.  I don’t get sad anymore because his father doesn’t pay attention to him.  I don’t get sad anymore because my son doesn’t really seem to care.  He is used to, I guess.  It is the norm and my son has adjusted and adapted, so I adapted right along with him.  He is really an amazing kid.  AMAZING!

So, this is it.  The only thing I have left to decide…do I stay here in Georgia where I might be able to purchase a house or move back to California, where I know I will never be able to purchase a house or even a condo for that matter.  My time limit to think on this is next summer.  I am just not sure.  A big part of me wants to lay down some roots and buy a home and live there for the rest of my life and give my kiddo more stability than he has ever known.  Yet, another part of me misses having friends.  I am not sure how much of my life I should give up for my child.  How much happiness should I deprive myself of?  Will this fix itself in time?  I guess only time will tell.  Changes are coming whether I try or not. And maybe friends will come too.  New friends.

I don’t know.  This is so hard.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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