Since You Been Gone…

Yes, I am stealing this awesome song title from Kelly Clarkson and turning it into a blog title.  Who cares?  It fits today.

Lately the STBX has been calling, not only his son, but he wants to speak with me.  He wants me back.  He wants his family back.  He wants to get out of the toxic place he is in.  He has left his girlfriend and is now living with his parents.

For a little over a month, we have not heard from him.  No calls, no messages, nothing.  I have to say, it’s been nice (for me).  Not dealing with him and his drama is FANTASTIC.  It’s been peaceful.  Although I have hated that my son may have been hurt in all of this, he seems to roll with the punches very well.  He loves his daddy, but his absence no longer seems to be noticed.

During the dramatic past almost three years, my emotions have been up and down, mimicking the best bipolars I know.  The roller coaster was constant, up until almost a year ago.  I finally shut down and put any kind of hope for reconciliation behind me and let go.  I realized that I really do not want the drama in my life.  The STBX is ALL drama, ALL the time.  Mind you, I know deep down inside his mess of a mind, he is a good person.  He just does not know how to live, really live.  He skips over the hard stuff to something easier and does not deal with difficulties he encounters.  He skips solution-finding to go straight out the door to escapism.  Escaping gets you nowhere, fast.  And now, he is nowhere.  He lives in a toxic city and he is surrounded by toxic, enabling individuals.  Fighting the battles and facing fears and difficulties is what makes life worth living.  It makes you a better person.  He does not see it this way.

The Peyote Cactus

He says he is attending intense counseling right now.  He has gone through a “detox program”,which basically consists of him living in a room with about ten other people consuming peyote like it’s going out of style.  Peyote is supposed to have detoxification properties, but I am not so sure.  This stuff has side effects that range from vomiting to hallucinations to anxiety to irrational thinking.  Like the STBX needs more of that in his life.  He already has depression and an anxiety disorder.  But whatever, again, the enabling people in his life right now encourage him to do this.

Now that he is attending counseling and has been “sober” for a bit, he says he is thinking clearly.  He wants us back.  There has been no shortage of asking, begging.  But all I can think of is that life is so much more peaceful.  Life without his drama has been freaking fantastic.

I love not being in a relationship.  I love that I only have to worry about my son and myself.  It’s enough, my life is full.  Since he’s been gone, I have found a new life of tranquil moments with a side of chaos as a single working mother.  This kind of chaos makes me happy.  The other kind of chaos…the kind that the STBX brings to our lives, I do not like and I will never let back in my life.

Thank you for reading.  I’m glad you are here with me.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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