Just before I asked J for a divorce, I took a lot of time to think about it. I had for months before we moved to Georgia. After we moved, I knew I was not going to be able to bear it much longer. I was unhappy.
In the two months leading up to the evening I asked J for a divorce, I had talked to my friends and family and sought guidance from wherever and whoever I could. Those closest to me knew I was very unhappy. I just was not sure what to do though.
A huge part of that reason is that I worried about J. I worried that he would run back to San Francisco and start up the drugs again and drink even heavier. I knew this would happen. The days leading up to him getting on that plane to San Francisco, I told my mom just that. I knew what would happen. I know that if he does not get help, he will die. Even though there are times that I am very angry with him, I do not want him to die. Not like this. I keep telling him that his son needs a father, but it does not get through.
I need to face the fact that nothing I can say or do will stop his downward spiral. He tells me he is sober. I think it is just for now, until the next time he falls. I know he will fall, I lived it over and over. I wish him to be sober, but know he will never reach that point if he is not happy with himself. He knows he helped to destroy his happy family. He knows that his addiction has led him to this path he is on now.
There is still a part of me that wants to help him and take care of him. I feel like I am the only one that can help him in that way. I did it once and I could do it again. I never let him get away with anything. But with our son in the mix, I do not feel I can help him and take care of my child. I cannot have my son around the negativity that comes from getting sober and the turmoil it causes. And what if there is another relapse? I do not want my son exposed to that either.
Towards the end and just before we ended it, he lied about everything, even minute things that did not matter in the whole scheme of things. That is when I stopped caring and wanting to help. I stopped loving him. Our love was destroyed by addiction. I can only imagine the same would happen with my son. He would not understand what was happening. And I would not know how or what to tell him.
For now, I have told him that his daddy has a disease. He is so sick, that it makes him forget to call. I keep telling him that he will call when he is feeling better, but I do not know when. So far, that one time last week is all he has called. The calls have stopped. He did not deposit child support as he said he would. He did not send the divorce papers as he said he would.
I feel I am at an impasse. I am not quite sure how to move forward. If he really wanted help, he would hop on a one-way plane and get out here. If he really wanted to be with his son, he would fight tooth and nail to be with him.