No matter what, I will keep a positive, optimistic attitude. I have hard days or weeks, but whatever. I am not going to let shit beat me down. It’s just shit, nonetheless. It will get flushed out eventually. I am normally this way anyway. I like singing strange songs that involve the everyday things I do…like making dinner or giving my son a bath. I sing while I do. It keeps me upbeat, plus my son loves it.
Even when my STBX calls begging for us to get back together, I stay positive. This stuff does not phase me like it did in the past. He said that he wanted to be a father, a real father in his phone call to me at 6:00am yesterday…3:00am his time. I told him that he should want that and work really hard towards being that. I was not angry, I just felt sorry for him. Trust me, I do get angry with him at times. Very angry. But that anger usually subsides quickly.
I know he has a disease. This disease has ravaged his mind. He does not know up from down, right from wrong or inside from out. He does not get that his number one priority is his son. Instead, his number one priority is himself and when or how he can get his next fix.
His addictions are many. His first addiction I discovered is cocaine, his second is alcohol and his third is attention. He is a slave to it all. Since the beginning of his life was quite tumultuous with his parents abandoning him and the sexual abuse by his uncle and cousin, he has so needed attention. What he does not know is that he attracts the bad kind of attention. But it is the fear, shame, guilt of all he went through that got him to this point. He does not know how to go about life on his own. And I, unfortunately, cannot go on in life with him.
I am always confronted with commercials or movies or TV shows that really challenge my belief that I did the right thing by leaving him and seeking a divorce. Although it used to his me harder, now it is just a lingering wonderment. If I did not have a child to protect, I would still be in it and fighting alongside him, but alas, I have an awesome child that does not need to be exposed to those battles.
Sadly, his addiction is so deeply rooted that it may take years for him to recover fully. He may end up losing his son forever or, which I wholeheartedly hope for, have a beautiful loving relationship with his son. Either way, my son will be changed forever because of addiction. After J had not called for a month and a half, he finally did. It was a brief call.
My son was talking loudly because J said he could not hear him. That is basically how the entire call went. J would say something. M would keep repeating the same thing over and over until he received a response from his dad. It never happened. Finally, M asked his dad, “Do you have a disease?” And J did not hear him.
I recently explained to my boy that his daddy has a disease and that is the reason he has not called in so long. Daddy is trying to get better. But sometimes his disease makes him forget to call you. I asked him if he was sad about his dad not calling and he said plainly, “No.”
So, things have not changed much. About once a month (except August), J has asked to have his family back. I tell him it is too late for that. I welcome him to have a relationship with his son. I have offered him a place to stay until he can get a job and place to live. He gets silent, then the phone clicks. He is gone.