What Can I Say?

Once again, I am feeling defeated.  Inside, I feel consumed with depression and anxiety, but on the outside I appear to be happy and adjusting well.

It has been three weeks since I sent the divorce papers to my STBX and I have not heard a peep about it from him and I have not received them back.  I am beginning to think I never will.  I just really want this over with and to move on with my life and to celebrate a new freedom.  My hope for this is slowly turning into sadness and anxiety.

To add to the mess that is me right now, not only have I not heard from J about the divorce, but he has not called his child in three weeks.  How can any human being not call their child that they claim to love so much and claim that he is their top priority?  I just do not understand, but then again, I do.  He has also not sent any child support for two months which inhibits any life outside of our home for me and my child.

This past weekend, I did break free since I found some new fun free things to do for us.  First, they had a Butterfly Bio-Blitz at the Indian Mounds here in town on Saturday and then I took my bot to Lowe’s for their Kid’s Build and Grow workshop.  My boy loved every minute of both events and it was FREE!  All thanks to this new site I found while searching for those free things to do with my boy: http://www.forkidstodo.net/.  I am so grateful to this site.  It even lists great places that kid’s eat free!  Needless to say, we will continue to go to the Lowe’s events and will make going to the Indian Mounds a weekend thing.  It was great exercise and my boy could walk on the bridge over train tracks and watch trains….some of his favorite stuff!  This Sunday, the local Museum of Arts and Sciences is free, so you will know where we will be!

I try really hard to stay on top of my depression and anxiety over all of this, but there are times when it get’s difficult.  This week is one of those times.  I feel stifled and sad.  To fight this, I do things with my boy.  Last night we took an evening walk to the playground and took the dogs.  But it did not stop me from wondering why J has not called his child.  I cannot help wonder what my boy thinks of this.

The other night we were laying in bed and he wanted to see pictures of himself on my phone.  So I took out the baby pictures!  I am so going to miss that boy when he grows up.  I can only hope that he turns out to be the great man I know he can be.  No pressure though…just love!  We played a game of “what was I saying” and every time he came up with something to say, it always involved his dad.  With this, I know he misses him and feels the absence of his calls.  The night before that, we were discussing “character”.  Not the kind of character you find in movies or cartoons, but what is good and bad character in people.  He asked what it meant, so I felt giving him examples of good and bad character would help him understand the definition.

I explained that people that are kind and thoughtful without wanting something in return is good character.  People that keep promises and follow through on what they say they will do is good character.  Heroes that save lives because they feel it is what they were meant to do and do not do it for reward or recognition is good character.  People that take care of other people, that’s good character.

Now, to explain bad character…that was difficult.  I wanted to focus on the good, but one cannot have good without the bad.  So I explained, people that hurt other people do not have good character.  People that do not keep promises and help when they say they will help do not have good character.  People that tell someone that they will send a package with something they have been wanting and that package never arrives is not good character.  “Do you think that is a nice thing to do to someone?”


“Ok.  Who do you think has good character?”

“Grandma and mommy and Uncle Joe and Aunt Tracy and AJ and Ella and Aunt Cathy and Sam.”

“Yep, you are right my boy.  They all have great character!”

Not one mention of his father.  My last example was probably a bad idea and maybe a little subliminal for someone of his age, but I think I got my point across.  About a month ago, J told my boy that he had bought him the Buzz Lightyear toy that he has been asking for quite a while.  I tried to get it for his birthday and ordered it online, but the toy was a hack and I had to return it.  I decided to wait until I could afford to buy it at the store instead of at discount online.  Well, my boy checked the mail with me everyday and asked if there was a package from his dad with that toy.  And everyday for two weeks I had to tell him no, no package.  To stop his heart from breaking everyday, I told him that I thought daddy did not send the package and I was not sure he had even gotten the toy for him.  He has stopped asking and waiting for that toy to arrive.  It still breaks my heart.  I know there is some part of him that is still hoping that package arrives.  If I have even a bit of money leftover from this paycheck, no matter how it might hurt, I am getting him that toy!

When I heard J tell my son he had bought that toy…my reaction…well, PISSED.  For one, he had not paid a dime to us for over a month to help with childcare or any other of my boy’s expenses.  And two, well, I knew he was lying.  He had video called my boy and in the background was one of his friends and his brother.  He was showing off…because this is just something he does in front of other people.  He has always done it since the day my boy was born.  He put on a good show to display his father of the year-ness.  He was no such person.  His whole life has been an act of some sort.  I was the only person that did not enable his behavior and he was himself.  Just a dad.  Some of the time.

I am sad for my boy.  I am sad that his father just does not seem to care.  I have been asking him for money to register my boy in soccer this season.  The cutoff was yesterday.  He ignored my calls, texts and email messages.  No soccer for my boy and he was looking forward to it.  I hope he does not ask because I will not know how to tell him without crying.

Not only that, I have not been able to buy him back to school clothes or shoes.  This breaks my heart into pieces.  Everything that I should be able to get for my boy, I cannot.  I just do not know what to think and my mind scrambles to keep a tight hold on all that is good and how frickin’ awesome my kid is.  How do you hold on in these times?  It is hard not to cry all the time, well, in my free time, which is not much.  I hate this knot inside of my heart.

I have offered J a way out.  I told him he would not have to pay child support if he signed over all rights to his child.  Since he has been absent and in and out of my boy’s life and sees him maybe once a year, I told him that he either needs to be in or out.  If he signs over all right to his child, he does not have to pay child support.  But he also cannot see or speak to him ever again.  I also told him that I do not think this is in my boy’s best interest and that I would rather he be a part of his life… Under these circumstances though, I cannot abide by him coming in and out of his life on a whim and watching my son struggle with it silently.

Until I overcome these feelings, I will continue to wake my boy up with kisses and tickles and taking him on grand adventures.  Those giggles and that big smile tells me I am doing something right.  I may not be the mommy of the year, but that boy sure thinks I am.


About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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One Response to What Can I Say?

  1. Pingback: Unbroken Heart | smommy

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