My Apologies

My last post didn’t sit well with me.  I sounded very angry and uncaring.  I would like to apologize to anyone that has read it.  I don’t like feeling or sounding angry and bitter, as I believe I can “catch more flies with honey.”  I am sorry for having written nonsense, and it wasn’t even well-though-out writing.  I just blasted my feelings on this here blog.  Boo!

I will not be removing it from my blog though.  It is a part of me.  That anger, that bitterness.  Since it’s a part of me (at this moment), I will leave it as a part of my blog.

There is so much anger that goes with be married to an alcoholic and drug addict.  My father was an alcoholic and those memories are raw when I am dealing with my STBX.

This morning, J video called at 6am while I was in the shower and M was sleeping.  Then he sent a text, “Please let me talk to M.”  I received it an hour later when I finally heard my phone beeping.  I sent a message back, “Have you deposited the child support yet?”

No response.  Then I felt bad.  So I decided to send another text, “I can’t let you talk to him unless you speak happily and pretend nothing is wrong with you.  No saying daddy is sick.  No crying.  Just ask him about him.”

As much as I would like to child support payment, I am not going to use J’s non-payment to punish my child.  If M wants to talk to his daddy, he can.  It will be closely monitored and if I do not approve of the conversation, the call will end.

I was reading through one of my client files yesterday.  I read one of the reports from a child’s psychologist.  The psychologist told the parents that the child feels put in the middle.  He feels loyal to both parents and does not feel like he can talk to or go to the other parent when in the other parent’s custody.  I do not want to do this to my child.  It is a difficult road, but it is a choice I am making for my son’s best interest.  I encourage him all the time to call his dad or talk to his dad.  I always thought he didn’t want to because his dad never listens or pays attention to him.  It may just be that he feels loyal to me and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by talking to his daddy.  I will do better to encourage him, beginning today.

This morning was difficult.  While we were on our way to daycare, my son blurts out, “My daddy buys me everything, cars, trains, shoes, clothes.”  I responded with “What?  You don’t think mommy buys you anything?”

“No. You don’t buy me anything.”

Wow!  That was a blow.  Since I am the only one around, I buy him everything.  About every six months he gets a package from his daddy.  I am not going to take that joy away from him, but I resented the little turd.  I was not sure how to respond to that.  What do you say without bad-mouthing his dad?  Yeah, nothing.  Ugh.

I am not the type to keep my mouth shut, as you can see, so this is terribly difficult to keep inside.  M idolizes his father.  He idolizes what I will let him see.  I shield him from the drunken calls.  I shield him from the fights we have and have only made the mistake once of saying something bad about his dad to him.  I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth.  I saw the hurt in my baby’s eyes.  I hurt him.  I needed to hold my tongue better.  I will not do that ever again.

So with that, I close this conversation.  This too shall pass and my anger will wane.  I will let it go and let it flow into something positive and refocus my energy.  I need to get that divorce paperwork DONE!  Get this done.  I will make sure there is an income deduction order attached so this kind of thing does not cause friction and frustration.  It is for the best, let’s just hope he signs all of the documents and returns them quickly.

I know what I am doing this weekend.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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