It’s All About Him

My boy has been attending his new school (actually daycare) for a couple of months now.  He continually tells me that he likes his old school better.  Well, I do too, but this daycare with free Pre-K included is what I can afford at this juncture.  It is also more convenience in that I do have to find a sitter to pick him up and drop him off at school.  This is an all in one.  Whether my boy knows it or not, this is the best choice for him….and it’s not the worst place in the world.  I am sure he just misses his friends and his teachers.  I wish everything I provided for him could be the best the world has to offer, but, alas, it cannot.  It is the best I can afford.  Hey, it’s still the best, right?  It should be all about him, but at times…it’s not.

Pre-K is set to begin shortly.  There is no excitement of beginning school because he will just move from one room to the other when it does begin.  He will move from the daycare room to the Pre-K classroom.  There is no excitement there for him.  Oh, how I wish there was and am desperately trying to find a way to infuse that excitement.

But, alas, I cannot find that way, as I am not that excited about it either.  My poor kid.  There is just too much going on and I am trying to figure out a way to get more invigorated about this new beginning.  It has been raining the entire summer.  We have tried to make the best of it, but what kind of summer is this when we have not had one dry weekend.  We have not made it to the beach once.  We go to the pool for short spurts before or after downpours, but no beach.  I have been unusually broke, so there has not been much in the way of extracurricular activities.  And then, the inevitable…the ex has not been there for my boy in the last month.  He was doing great for a while.  Getting me child support, calling his son as scheduled, etc.  But all of a sudden, the calls stopped, the payments stopped and the sadness and anger began.

He finally called this past weekend.  We had a long video chat, but I would only let him speak to our boy briefly.  The ex was distraught and not fit to be speaking to our boy.  The story goes like this:

I had been texting him and messaging him for over a week about child support so I could pay the daycare.  There was no response.  I figured, in my head, that his girlfriend had returned from Europe and he wanted to spend all of his time with her.  This ticked me off anyway, since the last time we had spoken he had claimed that our boy was his priority and that his girlfriend was not.

Well folks, he proved me right.  It was his girlfriends return that caused him to drop all of his money on dinners, bars and liquor stores.  It was the same excuse that he had not called his child.

When he finally did video call his son, I could not let him speak to him.  He was laying in bed, moaning and groaning about how horrible his life was and that he “tried to kill” himself.  As much as I do not think committing suicide is the answer or is a joke, this guy uses it as an excuse and cry for help.  I know he will never kill himself.  He has zero pain tolerance and he kills himself slowly every time he drinks and uses.

Yes, I said “uses.”  He also told me in a round-about way that he was back using drugs.  He texts me on that following Sunday to inform me that he is entering a Narcotics Anonymous program that will last 2 or 3 days.  That time frame increased to 3 to 4 days by the end of the conversation.

Yeah, not me.  I called him on it and he sent me a photo of a nondescript lobby in San Leandro.  I still don’t buy it, just like I don’t buy him committing suicide.  To me, this will never happen.  He will continue to kill himself slowly with the drugs and alcohol.

He showed me the little scratch on his neck from where he held the knife to his throat.  This man has issues.  He has a disease.  It causes him to lie, cheat, cause drama, be abusive, not come home, pass out, yell/scream, call names, ignore his child, leave his child, etc.  I now firmly believe he returned to California after I asked for a divorce because he knew he could get drugs and alcohol whenever he wanted and without my prying judgment.  Not because “I forced him to” as he claims and tells anyone that will listen.

I have stopped feeling sorry for him.  I feel nothing for him.  I cannot wait for our divorce to be over and I hope he signs the papers and returns them quickly.

Another thing, during our video call, he shows me his girlfriends closet and pulls out a $500 jacket for me to see.  Then he goes to his closet and pulls out a $200 jacket that she bought for him.  He gave me full views of their respective closets.  So, I asked him, “So, are you guys living together?”

“No.  I just stay here a lot and keep a lot of my stuff here.”

And right after that, “Can I come home and live with you guys again?”

Oh man.  He just can’t stop himself from lying.  I figured out a long time ago they were living together.  He had written her a check and wrote “rent” on the memo line.  When I confronted him about it…yeah, you guessed it…He lied.  At this point, I really don’t think he knows how to tell the truth.  It makes me sick that he has become this person (or always has been this person).  It also make me sick that the people around him, enabling him, believe his schtick!

I got this man off of drugs eight years ago and now he is back at it.  I am sure he feels alone and defeated.  I am sure he feels unsure and weak around me.  I was the only one that he would ever listen to.  His parents are disappointed in him that he has gone back.  They once praised me because I saved their son’s life.  Now, I am sure they blame me.

But what they don’t get…it’s all about him.  It will always be about him and only him.  Since he felt abandoned as a child, he will continue to pull whatever he can to get that attention back.

As for me.  My attention solely rests on my boy.  It’s all about him!

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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