As much as I would like to think I am over my impending divorce and the end of my marriage, there are always little reminders of what used to be.
The other day I attempted to create a log in ID for my new insurance carrier. Apparently I had this carrier once before, during happier times. My log in ID flew onto the screen which was a combination of his name and my name and the year we were married. It brought me back to a time when I remember loving him and being in love with him. It brought tears to my eyes. I felt the pain, but I did not move on from that pain until I could confront him that evening.
I am, unfortunately, not one of those people that holds her feelings in. I usually confront the person or thing that causes me pain. I am not sure if this is a good quality, as it does not always come out in a constructive manner. So, when J called that evening, I tried to make him feel bad about ditching us for his girlfriend. And he, again, tried to make me feel bad for ending the marriage in the first place. But when he finally asked me why I was bringing it all up again, I told him the reason. I cried for a minute and we sat in silence over the phone.
I know there is no going back, but there is a part of me that wishes I could change the path we took. Since our visit to San Francisco, it was made vividly clear that we have become two different people where we used to be one. He has a girlfriend, whom he still does not admit is his girlfriend. And I…well, I have this beautiful boy to raise without complication or a significant other in my life. I can wait. My son, growing quickly, takes up so much of my time and he has been clinging to me since our trip to San Francisco. I assume this is a side-effect of missing his daddy, but not sure. I wish him to feel secure and know that I will never leave him, under any circumstance within my control.
I have noticed that my son gets an insecure streak just after visiting with his father. I hate seeing him feel this way. People tell me all the time that kids are resilient…but how resilient is he if it occurs after every visit with his father? I cannot help but wonder what kind of long-term damage this might have on my boy. And I also wonder how I can deter or prevent that long-term damage. Doctor’s have told me that the visits with his father will become the “norm” and that is what he will know of his father since we split while he was younger.
So, when will this become the norm for him and will he eventually not be clingy? I do hope it’s soon.
Which brings me to another topic: Moving back to California. I feel torn about this topic. I really miss my home. I miss SoCal. I miss my friends. I miss the weather. I miss a lot of things, including someone I could be dating if I were there. As much as I loathe Georgia (no offense to any GA lovers out there), I am not sure a move is best. I have made a deal with myself to give it at least two years or until the economy improves in California. I also wonder why I am so discontented no matter where I live. No place is the right place. No place feels like home, even when close to my family. Southern California is probably as close as I will feel to “geographically” being at home. However, I am not sure how I will feel when I am far away from my mother and my brother. My sister and her son will be close, my friends will be close…But, will I be home? Another good thing about SoCal, my son will be closer to his father and maybe the anxiety and insecurity that comes with seeing him only twice a year will subside and he can feel loved and secure and at home himself, instead of always searching. I hope, for my son’s sake, I will find my center, my home.
So this year, there were no tears when we picked out our Christmas ornament. There has been no apprehension entering the holiday season with a bright outlook. I am happy to be with my boy and I can’t wait until he sees what he is getting for Christmas! He is gonna LOVE it!
I feel like I have come a long way since last year when I wrote my first post here. My journey has gone up and down, has been happy and sad, has been angry and elated. But most of all, I have found this whole new world of online therapy and a supportive group of people that I relied on and related to and idolized and shared with without hesitation. I am happy to be here.
Hi, My name is Kristi. And I am a mess…a wonderful, happy mess.