Too Little Time

I would not say that a lot has happened in the last month and a half since I last wrote here, but then again, a lot has happened, and I a tired.

I started my job July 2nd as a legal assistant for a prominent divorce lawyer in Macon.  It’s a tough job, but I love the challenge.  It’s new and exciting and full of drama…and thankful it’s not my drama this time.  I feel bad for the children caught in the messes that their parent have created, putting them smack dab in the push-pull that is child custody battles.  This is one battle I am glad that my boy does not have to endure.

My STBX and I have had heated conversations since he left and I have some hatred trickling through my body still, but nothing like it was a couple of months ago.  We can keep things civil while discussing what M needs and are still trying to plan for daycare and how we will pay for it.  I really hope the money things works out, because my son needs this and he wants it.  He cannot wait to go to “school” to play with other kids and other toys.  I have asked J to send some clothes and shoes for M since he is growing so fast.  I cannot, seriously, cannot believe he is in a size 4.  This kids legs and feet are growing like the weeds in my back yard.

And speaking of back yard, I will no longer have this awesome back yard in a couple of weeks.  I found us a 2-bedroom apartment closer to where I work.  The rent is $200 less, my utilities should be greatly reduced due less space to heat and cool.  I will spend less on gas since I won’t have to drive as far.  And I will miss that back yard.  I am sure M will miss it too.  There is something we are losing…a little bit of freedom.  He will not be able to go and play in the yard while I fix dinner, but we gain dog walks every night and day.  This is a short term change, I hope.  But it’s all a positive move in the right direction since we are moving on with out lives and beginning anew.

The most exciting things about this move…well, we are right across the street from an outdoor shopping mall with all sorts of great stores and restaurants.  Even if we don’t buy anything, we will have some nice walks.  We also have a gym and sauna on-site so I can work off this weight from the quitting smoking thing.  Since quitting I have gained all of my lost weight back because I have been craving sweets like mad.   Nutty bars, key lime pie, cake, ice cream, you name it, I have impulsed bought it, seriously.  When I craved a smoke, I went for the refrigerator instead.  I tried to substitute with veggies, but there was no love there for me.  I even tried fruit to calm my sweets craving and it didn’t work.  My fear of gaining too much weight has caused me to smoke again.  Not as much as I was, but still have lit up again and I am not proud.  Plus, I ran out of the chantix to get me through and I have no  health coverage for a moment so I can get back on track.  But I figure, if I did it once, I can do it again.  It wasn’t that bad.  I have had more difficult struggles than that and come through just fine.  I have faith and hope.

So things are getting on track for a new life.  I have two weeks left at this stinking house and can’t wait to be out of it.  I have packed my butt off to be ready for moving day.  I want everything lined up so all we have to do is shove it in the truck and go.  My mom may be moving that same weekend and it’s only my brother and his son to help.  Last night I went to a friends house for a birthday party.  The birthday boy (well, man) was someone that I had a one night stand with a while back.  It was the one night in the last 3 and a half years that I had gotten drunk beyond all control and good judgment.  Apparently, he wants more but I could not give in.  He was wasted and I really don’t feel like doing a drunk again.  Not my thing, really.  But I did tell him that if he comes to help me move, that I would give in.  He lives about 2 hours away, so I don’t see him showing up on Labor Day weekend to help.  I also don’t see him remembering our conversation.  But we will see.  I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to get laid, after all, it’s been quite a while!  I probably have a bunch of pent up sexual frustration.  Vibrators can’t take care of every need…  We will see, we will see.  I am just excited for a new beginning.

And new beginnings are not without their little hiccups.  My STBX wants to hone in on that shit.  He has been saying that he is going to save money so he can move back out here.  He doesn’t say that to me, but does to our son when he thinks I am out of ear-shot.  He has also been showing his jealously over me going out with friends.  This is something I don’t get since he has a nice young dumb girlfriend.  But whatever, I don’t give it much thought.  I just don’t want him coming back here unless he is prepared to commit to his kid.I just want M’s dad to be a good dad.  Someone he can look up to and model after.For his sake, I hope J get’s there.

For now, I am reveling in the fact that new life is on the horizon and so close I can taste it.  I am nervous, stressed, tired, and in awe.  But it’s all good stuff!

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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6 Responses to Too Little Time

  1. Anonymous says:

    Good to “see” you darling. And, as always, to hear how far you’ve come off that stoop. Wish I had your strength — you sharing your posts helps me with that. THANK YOU. God Bless ‘n God Speed, sweet thing.

    • smommy says:

      Oh CJ, how I have missed you and what you have to say. I feel like you are my therapy leader, making sure I keep stepping further off that stoop. Although I do have my weak moments of hope, I have seen what would have been if he had stayed and I am glad it is over. Even though I would have liked to be that one person that stuck by him through thick and thin, I was not strong enough to take that crap, and yet I was strong enough to walk away. I guess everything evens out in the end. Thank you again for your support as always. I so miss my online therapy. I wish I had more time, alas, my job let’s me have no breaks…which I love, yet I miss this outlet. I hope all is well with you! xoxoxo! Much love to you!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Good to “see” you darling — and to hear how far you’ve come, from that ol’ stoop you used to be stuck on. Ever forward, babe. And keep us posted, please — I take a lot of heart from your strength. xoxoxo

  3. tashal78 says:

    I have missed your posts! Was hoping that the fact you were silent was that things were beginning to get better. It sure sounds that way. Praying that things only get better and better for you and praying for your strength to deal with the ex…… 🙂

    • smommy says:

      Oh yes, things are going well, but I miss writing and reading what everyone is doing. I feel like you and everyone are my little online therapuetic family. So, how are you doing? How is your situation? I’m sorry I haven’t read up on what’s going on with you. Maybe after my move and things are into a familiar comfortable rut…then I will catch up on my short lunch breaks. Keep in touch…take care and good luck with your battle! xoxo

      • tashal78 says:

        Well you haven’t missed much in the last month in regards to my battle. We were suppposed to have another court hearing in July and at that point we mutually decided to dismiss the divorce and work on things, so I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork and now it sits at his lawyers….unsigned. I just really want a direction….either we work our butts off fixing our marriage or we divorce and I concentrate on being single. I just really need to stop feeling like I’m going nowhere…..well that’s the nutshell lol Glad your job is going well and good luck with the move! I hate moving…..lol well maybe its the packing I hate! 🙂 Take care!!
        xoxo

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