Absence Makes the Heart Grow Less Fond

I have been absent for a while.  I am still processing what happened while my STBX was here for a week.  It’s all an angry blur.  I am still angry.  I thought, I hoped, that if I write this out, the anger will pass and I will move on from it.

I am still a non-smoker.  I  am sticking to it, and think a little bit of my festering anger has something to do with not smoking and those nasty withdrawals.  But mostly, it’s was a feel in the aftermath of J’s brief visit.  It was a whirlwind of sickness and lies.  I could not bring myself to feel sorry for him and the crisis he was facing.  He sickened me from the moment he walked into my home.

The day after his arrival, J claimed to be sick.  Well, he was visibly sick.  He was withdrawing from whatever antidepressants he was put on, as well as the absence of alcohol in his system.  He could not pull himself together and finally asked me to ask my mother for some painkillers or other drug that might help him.  Hindsight being 20/20, I think he is not only addicted to alcohol, but his regimen of antidepressant drugs which is a cocktail of Paxil and Diazapam.  If he’s not drinking, he must have these drugs.

Either way, I didn’t want M to be exposed to this behavior.  His constant sweating and shaking and begging for relief.  He was jumping out of his skin like any drug addict you see on television.  It was difficult for me to watch, and hell if I wanted my son to watch.  We ignored his situation and went on with our daily lives, playing, watching movies, etc.  Even during his spastic withdrawal period, he was asking me for forgiveness and asking if we could get our family back together.  I just looked at him and ignored him.  I had nothing to say.  We were happier without him in our lives.  There was no disruption to take care of him or hide from his verbal lashings.

The following day, Thursday, I had to leave early to hit the unemployment office then go to pay my vehicle registration.  I left M with him and was gone a little over an hour.  When I returned, he seemed to be back to normal.  The old J.  But something was different today.  He wasn’t asking to heal our family.  I decided to just go with the flow and have no confrontation so his son could enjoy a bit of time with him.  But an hour later, it was time for my mother to pick M up for a play date at the library.  They were gone for a couple of hours, which gave J and I a chance to talk, really talk.  We talked about our past problems, we talked about his molestation, we talked about his girlfriend and we talked about fixing our family.  We cried, a lot.  I was torn.  I had no answer and I don’t think he did either.  We both had the desire to fix things, but didn’t think we could.  There has been too much pain on either side and not sure we could get past it.  Either way, he asked me to wait on the divorce.  He wanted to get therapy to figure out what he needs to do and how he should handle “us”.  I told him I couldn’t wait.  I could not sit by and watch him be with a girl that isn’t his wife.  It’s not fair.  I am starting over and I need some peace of mind.  He agreed, but still asked that I wait.

Friday, his last full day had arrived.  I wanted to make it a good one.  I wanted him to have great quality time with his son.  But something was nagging in the back of my mind that morning.  I woke up and got on the internet to check my online class grades.  And then, Yep, I decided to check his phone bill.  I needed to know if he was lying to me again.  I needed to know and I could not stop myself.  And there it was, in black and white.  He had been calling and texting his  girlfriend, the one he broke up with before he came here, the entire time he was here.  I was livid, to say the least.  Why lie time after time after time?  He has nothing to lose by telling the truth and everything to lose by lying.  He just doesn’t get it.  When I confronted him, it was just more lies, more excuses.  I hated him so much for bringing this crap into my house.  But there was business to be done.  I needed to purchase his plane ticket home for the following day.

We checked his bank account and he didn’t have enough money to get home.  Yep folks, he is that fucked up.  He still doesn’t know how to keep a bank account.  I had to transfer money into his account in order to make the purchase.  I just pray he pays it back before he takes his girlfriend out.  Or, I will be royally pissed off!  But either way, I really wanted him to leave our home.  OUR happy home.  I told him to save his lies for his girlfriend because she will believe them.  He has even lied to his parents about having a girlfriend because they don’t approve.  I mean, can you imagine being this girl.  Can you have a boyfriend, a first boyfriend he confided, and not meet his parents within the first year of your relationship?  Can you imagine being lied to and lied to over and over and still remaining in the relationship?  Well, that was me at one time.  Well, not completely.  I did meet his parents and he didn’t start the lying until after we moved in together.  I knew everything he did back the no there was no need to lie.  Just because I feel her pain does not mean I like her.  I don’t like her one bit.  I warned her.  I told her we were trying to work things out and she decided that she was more important than me and my kid.  She probably believed what my husband was telling her.  But how many lies do you believe before you figure out they are lies.  I know a lie when it falls out of my husbands mouth.  And there was no shortage of his lies throughout Friday.

While M and J were playing that night, I decided to go to bed and give them some time alone.  I went in the bedroom and plugged in my phone, except I didn’t because J’s phone was plugged into my charger.  So, why not.  I picked it up and locked myself in the bathroom.  I checked his texts to see what they had to say to each other.  It was more “I love you’s” and bullshit.  “I can’t wait to cuddle with you.”  J knew I would grab his phone when I walked in there.  He knew that the first thing I do when going to bed is plug in my phone.  He got in the room just as I was locking the bathroom door.  I opened it and screamed at him for the lies he brought into my house.  “Why would you do this?  Why would you lie to me, why would you lie to her?  Both people you are supposed to love?  Why would you do this to your son?”  I just don’t get it.  The anger totally took control of my mind and my body.  I threw his phone so it would break apart, and it did.  He freaked out about the phone, not about what I read.  Not about being caught in lies.  He freaked about the phone.  My hypothesis is that he wouldn’t be able to call his girlfriend and beg for forgiveness and to take him back.  He told me that they weren’t seeing each other.

He put his phone back together and thanked me for breaking it.  “It doesn’t work now.”  Then he told me that he would call her and get her on speaker phone to prove to me they weren’t seeing each other. …. Here comes the pathetic scene.

I told him I didn’t want to hear her voice.  He called her anyway, but his phone wasn’t working.  He used my phone instead.  He told her to tell me that they weren’t seeing each other.  She asked, “Why do I need to do that?”  She didn’t understand why he was asking her to do that.  But she did.  She said it.  Yet, I didn’t believe either of them.  I knew what would happen when J returned to San Francisco, he would beg for her forgiveness until she took him back.  I am pretty sure this is what happened.  I know they are back together.  I unfriended J on FB and made sure she was blocked, but not until I sent her one last scathing message.  Yes I did.  I couldn’t help myself.  The anger was flowing like lava through my veins.  There was a lot more drama to end the evening and even more lies.  M told J that he didn’t want to sleep with him and it sent J into tears.

We said tearful goodbyes at the airport and sent him on his way.  There were more lies before he even got home.  I ended up having to send him another $100 to get him through the week.  Sad.  Stupid week.  He does not understand why I am still angry with him.  He calls about twice a day (unless he’s with his whore) and I cannot stand the sound of his voice.  I just want him to leave me alone and he wants to tell me all of his problems.

I told him yesterday to save it for his fat whore girlfriend.  Thank you very much.



About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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7 Responses to Absence Makes the Heart Grow Less Fond

  1. Sis says:

    That sounds awful, I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. I think you may be better off without him.

    • smommy says:

      It was quite awful and I am trying to justify all of this pain and, subsequently, anger that I feel right now. I’d like it to go away right this instance, but he won’t stop calling and his voice just brings back all of the hurt/anger. My son hasn’t even wanted to call him for father’s day…. Thank you for your support, I know we are so much better without him in our lives. I wish things were different, but it will never change.

  2. I ache for you. I know how hard it is to be caught in the lies and the betrayal, but I can’t even imagine the ongoing contact with the alternate universe while trying to ensure that your child has a father. I don’t know if this will help you, but one of the strategies I used to help with the anger spurred by the lies was to write down all of the facts surrounding the situation. By writing facts and taking the emotion out of it, I was able to gain a little perspective and distance. I still wanted to choke him, though:)

    Wishing you the best…

  3. What a rough week, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully he doesn’t have the capability of reopening the wound now. And good for you for handling it without cigarettes.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Bubbie….possibly absence makes the heart grow saner. Stay away….he knows he can fall, and lean on you, when he does. Maybe step aside and let him hit the floor, next time? I know, so much easier said than done — I love stillearning’s tactic too — list the facts — grim, ya? On his side of the list? Way cool, on yours? Other than what he takes from his list and loads onto yours? ILY xoxoxoxo p.s. and YES congrats on no cigs!!!! I can’t do it yet —

  5. cobyjean says:

    Bubbie — maybe absence makes the heart grow saner? He knows he can fall, and lean on you when he does — maybe step aside and let him hit the floor, next time? Easier said than done, I know — I love stillearning’s idea xo Facts are facts — and his seem grim. Loving you — and yes congrats on no cigs!!!!!!!

    • smommy says:

      It’s funny though. I guess, well, I thought maybe he just needed a rock. Needed someone to be there no matter what. But what I really realized is I am not strong enough to handle that and I don’t want my kid to be exposed to it. It turns me into an uncontrollable emotional mess. That’s not good for my kid. He needs a sane mom. And what he did sent me into the anger house, but after writing about it realized how much better off we really are. We have a peaceful life where we are the center of our own attention. I hope he gets help and gets on the right track. So, CJ, did you ever just want someone to not give up on you?

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