It comes as no surprise to me every month, but it does come as a disappointment. I mean, it is like clockwork even with the ticking. The bomb will go off. The bomb of emotions brought on by PMS, that is.
Every single emotion that is fluttering around in my head is amplified x 100. Anything can bring on the mood swings. One moment I am highly irritable and the next I am in tears crying from past hurts, or even those fresh ones. When I am in this state, I say all too clearly what is going on in my head. Sharing my feelings is one of the things that helps me remain calm and get the toxicity of those emotions out of my head and stop the rampant rumbling that lies beneath the surface.
My husband called to talk to his son last night. I could tell he had been with his girlfriend and it irritated me. I remained silent as my son (sort of) spoke to him. He’s three and doesn’t have much to say. J was on his way to work and as usual he was surrounded by distractions. This immediately turns my kid off and immediately irritates me. J is not focused on his conversation with his son. I try to end the conversation abruptly, but politely since we are about to eat dinner anyhow.
While eating dinner, I can’t eat, but something is eating at me. I keep thinking of him with his girlfriend, knowing they have just parted ways (knowing in my PMSing head and gut). He couldn’t call earlier because he was with her. And then I begin to think and hate and get increasingly angrier as time goes by. I have to tell him what I am thinking and feeling. Why? “Cause this is how I roll.
So I texted him. Yes I did. I told him how angry I was that he chose that “home-wrecker” over us. I told him that we missed him and what he did “kills me”. And then the topper: “Just like you chose drinking and partying over us. We keep losing over and over again.” He never responded. I know what he was thinking anyway. He’d say that I kicked him out of the marriage first. Which is true. That I rejected him first even after he pleaded with me to stay. And this is true. But I couldn’t let him stay. I couldn’t bear the thought of being verbally beat every time he had too much to drink. Although I don’t miss that habit of his, I sure miss him and him holding me and us being a family.
Ugh, What The Fuck Ever! Seriously! Now, I’m pissed at myself for feeling like this. And to top this day off, it is my boss’ last day, which leaves it apparent that I will also be without work soon. Someone get me off of this ride please? I think I’m gonna be sick. I’m not quite sure why all this crap has to be going on when I am in the thick of it with Uncle TOM and Aunt Flow. Sure, you could say it’s a test, but this kind of test I will surely fail. Well, I guess that depends on who is grading…but FAIL is definitely going to be the end result.
Welcome to my PMS Roller coaster. BOOOO!