I knew going into the weekend I wanted to spend Mother’s Day quietly with only my son. I felt different about the holiday this year. I wrote about my first mother’s day in Putting the Pain of the Past Away? and the following year was uneventful. My husband had just moved back to San Francisco and I was still in the numb phase. My mom, son and I went for a quiet brunch and we spent the rest of the day resting. No call, card or anything from my husband and I did not really expect anything, given the previous year.
But this year…Why this year of all years? He sent flowers, roses no less. He had called earlier in the week to let me know to expect something. I figured it was flowers. But those expectations came with a card. What would the card say? What could it say? I guess you could say I had expectations. I wanted to see “I love you” or something on that card so bad. I needed to see it. But, it wasn’t there. It was a simple “Thank you for taking care of our son, he loves you so much. You are a great mother. Happy Mother’s Day.” That should have sufficed, right?
I guess why my expectations were so high is because he’s never, ever gotten me anything for this day. This time he did, so I figured it would “mean” something. Right? But it didn’t. After I received them and read the card, I was thrown into a deep depression. I spent the day gorging on food and desserts. I had to force myself to play with my son, but I did it. I just felt empty. Sad.
Why this mother’s day? Yes, I asked him. And his response was, “Why do you think?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”
He quickly changed the subject and I never asked again. I don’t know the answer to the question…my short “possibles” list is: guilt, love, appreciation… As you can see, guilt tops that list, which makes the gesture much more meaningless. I cannot look at the flowers and feel good. I want so badly to enjoy those suckers. I never get flowers. Sheesh. Every time I look at them, I only feel despair.
I want this feeling to stop. I want to stop thinking about him and his girlfriend together. Thinking about her listening to him yell at me over the phone and say horrible things. I can’t turn off those images and I can’t stop hearing him yelling at me, knowing she was there listening to the bs uncontrollably spewing from his mouth. I hate her. I hate her with a passion. I hate her because I told her we were trying to work things out and she stuck around out of selfishness. She couldn’t let him be because she would feel miserable and alone. He broke up with her a couple of times to try to focus on us, but she kept begging him to take her back. What kind of low-life home-wrecker is this girl? I can only hope that karma will kick her ass one day. After she get’s married and has a child of her own that her husband may do the same to her. And then she will think back and wonder if the situation she created with my family had any bearing on what was happening to her at that moment. Maybe one day. But for now, I will just hate her. I hate thinking these thoughts and hate feeling these feelings, but it is what it is at the moment.
I know, too, that this shall pass.
So, how was your mother’s day?