One Tough Mother….s Day

I knew going into the weekend I wanted to spend Mother’s Day quietly with only my son.  I felt different about the holiday this year.  I wrote about my first mother’s day in Putting the Pain of the Past Away? and the following year was uneventful.  My husband had just moved back to San Francisco and I was still in the numb phase.  My mom, son and I went for a quiet brunch and we spent the rest of the day resting.  No call, card or anything from my husband and I did not really expect anything, given the previous year.

But this year…Why this year of all years?  He sent flowers, roses no less.  He had called earlier in the week to let me know to expect something.  I figured it was flowers.  But those expectations came with a card.  What would the card say?  What could it say?  I guess you could say I had expectations.  I wanted to see “I love you” or something on that card so bad.  I needed to see it.  But, it wasn’t there.  It was a simple “Thank you for taking care of our son, he loves you so much.  You are a great mother.  Happy Mother’s Day.” That should have sufficed, right?

I guess why my expectations were so high is because he’s never, ever gotten me anything for this day.  This time he did, so I figured it would “mean” something.  Right?  But it didn’t.  After I received them and read the card, I was thrown into a deep depression.  I spent the day gorging on food and desserts.  I had to force myself to play with my son, but I did it.  I just felt empty.  Sad.

Why this mother’s day?  Yes, I asked him.  And his response was, “Why do you think?”

“I don’t know.  Why don’t you tell me?”

He quickly changed the subject and I never asked again.  I don’t know the answer to the question…my short “possibles” list is: guilt, love, appreciation… As you can see, guilt tops that list, which makes the gesture much more meaningless.  I cannot look at the flowers and feel good.  I want so badly to enjoy those suckers.  I never get flowers.  Sheesh.  Every time I look at them, I only feel despair.

I want this feeling to stop.  I want to stop thinking about him and his girlfriend together.  Thinking about her listening to him yell at me over the phone and say horrible things.  I can’t turn off those images and I can’t stop hearing him yelling at me, knowing she was there listening to the bs uncontrollably spewing from his mouth.  I hate her.  I hate her with a passion.  I hate her because I told her we were trying to work things out and she stuck around out of selfishness.  She couldn’t let him be because she would feel miserable and alone.  He broke up with her a couple of times to try to focus on us, but she kept begging him to take her back.  What kind of low-life home-wrecker is this girl?  I can only hope that karma will kick her ass one day.  After she get’s married and has a child of her own that her husband may do the same to her.  And then she will think back and wonder if the situation she created with my family had any bearing on what was happening to her at that moment.  Maybe one day.  But for now, I will just hate her.  I hate thinking these thoughts and hate feeling these feelings, but it is what it is at the moment.

I know, too, that this shall pass.

So, how was your mother’s day?

Advertisements

About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
This entry was posted in Relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to One Tough Mother….s Day

  1. Hi there. I was thinking about you all day yesterday, but couldn’t get to a computer to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. Hang in there; you are doing great, and being a good mommy! It’s so difficult to put your own sadness aside to be able to focus on your child, and you did it. Good for you!

    I also received flowers from my ex-husband, under the guise of them being from the kids. First time he’s really acknowledged Mother’s Day. Now, they are just on the table irritating me! Oh, and if the flowers are pissing you off, throw them in the trash. Let him waste his money on stupid flowers that ended up in the trash anyway!

    • smommy says:

      You know, it’s funny. I thought about just tossing them in the trash…but I feel like I would be throwing him away again, figuratively speaking, and hurting him again. Yeah, I know he would never know about it…but it seems like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, right? I’d be back in that funk beating myself up. There was no guise with mine….he wanted me to know they were from him. They were guilt-laden. I’m glad I’m not alone…And Happy Mother’s day to you! I hope it was fantastic.
      So, why did your ex uncharacteristically send you flowers?
      Thank you for your words of support…they mean a lot.

      • Anonymous says:

        I feel for you; you are in a tough position, but moving along and making healthy decisions as you go. That’s not easy. You are going to be okay. Don’t you find it amazing how much strength your son provides to you?

        Oh, and I assume the flowers from my ex-husband were also sent out of guilt. Neither of us has acknowledged them.

      • smommy says:

        Yes, yes I do. I keep going and keep living because that’s what he needs. I get out of bed because he wants and needs his mommy to be okay. And I need to be okay for him. There were some fun moments shared with my kid…and he is the only reason I had some reprieve from feeling badly. I love that boy!
        Thank you for your support and kind words…be damned meaningless flowers! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s