The Weekend

It begins Friday night.  The distractions of the day are done.  My son falls fast asleep.  Deafening silence descends upon the house.  My thoughts run rampant which turns into anger, hurt, sadness.  I hear my husband yelling at me, accusing me, spewing hatred and lies while his girlfriend stands by his side.

My thoughts are louder than any comedic or uplifting television programming.  I pick up a book, but all I can hear is him yelling.

The betrayal cuts deeply and I am wounded, crushed, balled up on the bathroom floor sobbing while my son sleeps in the next room.  I pray he doesn’t walk in on me, that my sobs aren’t so loud as to wake him.

It’s the only time I have to let it out.  I must be strong in front of my boy.  I can’t be emotional.  It stays inside, eating me up during the day with bits of distraction: playing in the pool with my son, cleaning the house, doing yard work.  Nevertheless, I push the pain back in an attempt to enjoy my moments with the kid.

This routine repeats for the next two days.

This was my weekend.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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10 Responses to The Weekend

  1. Sis says:

    I’ve had those days. It helped to remember that the pain usually only lasts an hour or two and then I felt normal again. Also, as time goes by, it will gradually happen less often.

    • smommy says:

      Thank you for your words of encouragement. My emotions have been getting away from me and I only hope that it is temporary.

      • Sis says:

        You are mourning a great loss, one that is considered worse than the death of a spouse. It is normal to be depressed, you just need to work your way through the steps. It sucks but it WILL get better, don’t lose hope.

  2. cobyjean says:

    This guy is pulling every trick known, to reduce your self-esteem — you ignore that “girlfriend” (hope she enjoys it when he next turns on her) and the ugliness. If he was a stable person he wouldn’t need the backup of a tagalong peanut gallery, just to try to make you feel diminished. I know it hurts, bubbie — been there. Even the memory still gives me a twinge. I’m so sorry. You’re on a rocky road — a small climb, all told, though, to much better, more peaceful times. Let it out — and then let it go, babe. With love — xo

  3. cobyjean says:

    p.s. I don’t know how old your son is — but it’s also OK for him to see Mommy sad. As long as he sees you pick yourself up again!!! Yes, save the cathartic sobbing for private times if possible — but as far as “the sads” go — your son will grow up knowing his mom is human — but oh so strong anyway.

    • smommy says:

      Hey Lady! It’s unfortunate, but I do believe it is his girlfriend with the self-esteem issue. And it all hurts like hell. I know I will get over it eventually, but it’s pretty fresh. I try hard to believe that things happen for a reason and I am better off and I will be a better person. I appreciate your words and your help. Your counsel gets me through some tough times, believe it or not. It’s good to know I have someone in my corner, like you. Thank you.
      And as far as my son goes, he’s three and he’s not a fan of seeing mommy cry. He sees me cry at movies, but that’s all I will let him see. He get’s upset otherwise…he already has such a tender heart. He is the most loving kid and I am proud to be his mommy. I get an overwhelming ache when I think about how lucky I am to be his mom.

      • cobyjean says:

        I know that ache!! xo Consumes you, doesn’t it — in a good way. You’re a great Mom. Don’t get me started on the “girlfriend” (I have other terms) — any woman who’d stand by and watch any man disrespect another — they can have eachother. Got me sister? 😉 xoxo

  4. cobyjean says:

    3, just a babe — and he’s already compassionate like his mother — thanks, for bringing such a wonderful new little man into our world.

    • smommy says:

      DAMMIT! I love you! xoxo You always make me friggin cry…in a good way. 🙂

      • cobyjean says:

        There’s no crying, in baseball! xo (League Of Their Own movie…) I’m trying to tease, darling. I never mean to upset you — but as long as you’re having Happy tears amongst the Sad ones — we’re still makin’ progress off that stoop xoxo Let that big heart of yours let it all out — makes room for new Happies to flow in. And you have the capacity for lots 🙂

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