This has been a roller coaster of a week. I was on high from the weekend, as I took my son to see Thomas the Tank Engine live and in person. He only acted up a little bit and the trip went smoothly. Our train-themed hotel was quite awesome, as well. The entire weekend and all the way home, he kept saying “Mommy, I’m so happy, so so happy.” This made me happy. My heart is full. My only wish was that his father was here to share it with us, like he had planned and promised from the beginning of this trip plan. He said that he wanted to spend his birthday with us and take the trip as a united family. But alas, that was not to happen.
I awoke from my happy stupor when I began to check FB Monday morning. I wanted to know how the closing party of the restaurant went that J and I used to work at. I wanted to see those faces I haven’t seen in almost 10 years and wished I was there to celebrate with them. As I flip through the pictures, I see J with his girlfriend, drinking, drunk. Although I had let go, there was still a little piece of me that hoped and prayed for J to get help and get better and to come back to us. I want so much for our son to have his father in his life, in person. I hadn’t heard from J since Saturday morning and M hadn’t talked to his daddy in three days.
So, I did something stupid…well…not so sure it was stupid, but felt I needed to do it. I have forgotten that J’s phone is still in my name and I still get his bills. I could have easily gotten his girlfriends phone number long ago. Monday was different, there were confirming comments on the photos of them that stated they were “the power couple”. When J texted me first thing on Monday, telling me his phone had broken and he had to get a new one which was his excuse for not calling his son…I was furious. I was hurt. After checking his phone bill, it appeared that his phone had been working all weekend with absolutely no down time. When I texted back, I asked him if he had dropped it in his beer…. The rest of the conversation went like this:
“my ipod is no longer working for now, its on a bag of rice also got wet, got to see M so happy. thomas engine great video an pics. … k, you look nice on the pics, seems like the zumba is really good workout, love the hair”
“yeah, thanks. you and your girlfriend look pretty wasted in your pics. you aren’t taking care of yourself”
“I know and fyi she is just a friend might move back to santa ana talk to a friend he might get me a job”
“I didn’t say anything about that. I’m sure she’s just a friend”
“wow, its cool you are probably also seeing someone”
“Yep, my vibrator rocks. it doesn’t get drunk of call me names. yay me.”
“cool, good for you i want you bac but first i need some therapy first but if you don’t want me ill understand…”
There was more of me being upset with him and my tone got a little, hmmm, bitchy, shall we say….
Then I finished the textersation with his girlfriends phone number. He immediately called but I left my phone in my office while I walked away. I couldn’t talk to him. I was hurt and furious that he’s been lying this entire time. I listened to his voice mails that said he wanted us back and he “loves us so much, please call me.” I am tired of hearing it. Then a text, “I love you plz call me.” So I decided to forward that text to his girlfriend instead. Maybe she wanted to know the truth as much as I did. Or maybe she didn’t and she was living in denial like I did all those years. Either way, I did it. I texted her and we had a somewhat civil textersation.
“Who is this?”
“That was a text I received from my husband.”
“Ok well all I know is you two are separated and have been for some time now. I know he loves his son to death but has made it clear he wants to be with me.”
“Lol. Thats J….it doesn’t change the fact that he sent me that txt. Here, I will send you another.”
“I don’t want to create drama. I just want him to be happy and feel stable since I know he felt lost after what happened with your marriage.”
“FW: cool, good for you i want you bac but first i need some therapy first but if you don’t want me ill understand…”
“And he sent me that an hour ago so obviously he doesn’t know what the hell he wants… FW: love you so much can you plz marry mi”?
I was floored. I texted J to let him know I knew about his marriage proposal and told him how sad I was for our son and myself. No answer.
My conversation with his girlfriend went on and on and she admitted that he began drinking that morning before she left for school and that he has also been increasing verbally abusive to her when he drinks. I already knew this because I know J so well. This part of him will never change unless he gets help for his drinking habit. But what is funny (in a sad way), she is going to stay with him even though he has been lying to her since January. When I recanted the story to my boss and others, they can’t believe that she would stay and thought that she must have some pretty low self-esteem to stick around. They felt sorry for her, as I do. I can’t blame her, though. I stuck around for years because I fell for his “helplessness”. He’s never been able to take care of himself and now she’s there to take care of him. She’s picking up where I left off. It’s easy to get sucked in by my husband. You don’t know how many times my heart was pulled in his direction because I just felt for him. I don’t know what else to say. I just felt like he always needed help and needed to be loved and I was the one to do it.
Alas, the girlfriend went to confront him and apparently he was sleeping through our texts and calls. He called me that evening and began yelling and ranting about the drama I was causing. I told him that he had caused it by lying to me, to her, in the first place. And then he shouted at me that he wanted a divorce and that I will have to pay for half of it. He began yelling incoherently again and I hung up. I didn’t want my son to hear it, as we were in the car. I kept calm and kept my voice low, but M could hear his father yelling because it was so loud. J called me again after about a half hour talking about the texts between his girlfriend and I. M walked into the room and I hung up again, as it was more of the same. Then his girlfriend texted me again, this time with slightly catty tones. I didn’t engage in the cat-fight and told her that I wasn’t going to fight or be mean about this. I only want J to get help and be happy.
I really didn’t have time for that crap anymore. Seriously. I have a son to take care of and he wanted his pool set up. Before I did that, I had to mow the lawn and cook dinner. So when she texted me and said, “…don’t worry M is always first…you just lost a wonderful person”…all I could do was laugh. J has never put his son first. He might think about him a lot and give us a bit of money when we need it, but his son was and never will be first in his life. J is his own first priority. J’s drinking is his priority. He didn’t call his son for three days because he was drunk and he was partying. His actions only tell me that our son is never going to be a priority to him. This fact alone leaves me with a sadness that permeates my very being. We ended our texts civilly and handed out heart-felt apologies to one another.
The next morning, I knew the call would come and it did. J called, apologized for the mess he created and said it was over with his girlfriend. She had dumped him. I told him that I didn’t believe it for a second. Her texts lead me only to believe that she is sticking around. He also said that he really is moving to Santa Ana and his friend is going to get him a job there. “I never wanted to be with A. I just can’t take it anymore. I just wanted to be with you and M. I’m sorry I fucked up and fucked everything up. I know this is all my fault and I created this situation.” I responded by telling him that I can get a divorce cheaper here and will file all the paperwork in about a month. “You can send me half the money when you have a chance.”
I wasn’t completely cold, but I needed to shut down. I asked him to get help and then I enlightened him with listing the string of events that led him down this road. I apologized for my part in it, I apologized for also being a person that had abandoned him. But it’s over now. I am not able to subject myself or our son to this behavior. I want M to have a dad he is proud of and loves beyond anything.
My brother is going to loan me the money so I can get the divorce done and over. When all is said and done, I feel I gained closure. I got the confirmation I needed to move on and to stop waiting for something that was never going to happen. The strings have been cut and I wished him and his girlfriend happiness and luck. I’m sad, yes, but I feel so much better knowing. Not knowing the truth and being lied to was killing me inside. I just couldn’t prove it before and he wouldn’t admit it because he didn’t want to lose his family. He did want us back and he still does. He wants to get help now because he knows that his drinking impedes his relationship with his son and I will make sure of that. I hope that’s the move I need to help him hit bottom and admit he has a problem and get help.
Now, I am off that stoop. I have turned my back. It’s emotionally draining and oddly uplifting. But I am there…the journey is about to begin anew…bumps and all.