Letting It Out

I was barraged by a plethora of emotions last night.  My husband hadn’t called to talk to his son in two days, so I decided to call him.  He sounded worn and depressed.  I began to worry about him.  He told me he didn’t want to go to work again (his second job and shift).  I asked him how his birthday went…

“Oh, I got a package today.”

“Oh really, that’s good.”

“But how was your birthday?  Did you go out with Ale?”

“No, I just worked a double.  Ale had a fight with her boyfriend.”

“Oh, that sucks.  I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I had lunch with my parents on Sunday though.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Did you like your package?”

“Yes, I love it, it’s perfect.  I loved the cards too.”

Since the kid didn’t feel like talking to him, he hung up to get ready for work.  He said he’d call back after his shower.  After about two hours, still no call.  I texted and told him the kid was asleep.  No response.  I texted again and told him I was glad he liked his gift and cards.  He simply said, “Gracias.”

His lack of response bothered me.  He’s not normally this depressed when I talk to him.  I guess I am wondering why.  The last time I talked to him and he sounded this bad was when his girlfriend initially broke up with him.  So, I wonder…maybe that relationship wasn’t over.  But then, why did he post our family photo as his profile picture and list me as his wife if it wasn’t over?  Would someone that he was dating stick around after seeing that on his FB?  Maybe someone would if they had severely low self-esteem and he was lying to the person about why he had done it.  I could see J doing this…but what kind of person would accept his lies as truth.

I did accept his lies for truth for quite some time.  When we began dating, I was told countless lies.  I couldn’t tell when he was lying back then.  As our relationship progressed, I could tell and I called him on it every time.  Deep down, he liked that I did.  But after much more time passed, it turned into something different.  I became so resentful that he felt he needed to lie to me about everything, that I couldn’t tell when he was telling the truth.  I still can’t.  But oh well.  I am not sure this will ever change.

I further thought about why he was depressed.  I wonder if he read my blog.  I had accidentally left a trail on my FB page and he may have found it.  But either way, I’m not sure this is the case.  I’m really not sure what the deal is and not sure I even want to know.  I am terribly tempted to unblock his girlfriend so I can see if there is anything going on, but really trying hard not to do that.  I will wait.

But all these thoughts looming in my head last night lead me to a tear-fest.  I was laying in bed and all of a sudden it hit me.  I began sobbing.  I was sobbing for the hopelessness I felt.  I wanted to fix our marriage and had failed.  I wanted to be a whole family again and I failed.  I just wanted us to love one another again….and I failed miserably.  I mean, I do love him.  I do.  It’s difficult to go back to the hopeless feeling I had before I told him I wanted a divorce.

I thought back to the night I told him.  He was shocked.  He didn’t understand.

He was in the middle of cooking dinner, chicken parmesan.  To this day, I cannot stomach chicken parmesan.  Then I thought about what it would be like if I hadn’t told him and let things go on.  Would I be in a totally, irreversible depression?  At what cost would this come?  Would I be ignoring my child and his needs because I couldn’t pull myself out of the fetal position?  Would there be more fights because he hated being a stay-at-home-dad or we were financially strapped because he couldn’t (wouldn’t) find work?  Most likely, all of this is true and some that I didn’t list.  It would have been a nightmare for all of us.  I was terribly unhappy.  But I’m unhappy now too.

Deep down, I know I am in the thick of it, feeling every little pain that comes with separation.  It sucks.  But I am glad I finally cried about it.  Although it was short, it allowed me to finally feel what I was feeling.  My sadness was finally flowing from my heart and my eyes.

To the others that are going through this or have gone through it, my heart goes out to you.  You are not alone.  We have each others stories to keep us sane and come to a better understanding.  I am also grateful to all of those other bloggers I have read.  They have not only given me a better understanding of myself and my emotions, but those of my husband.  Thank you to the following bloggers that I read religiously:

dynamiceclectic

afterifoundout

Domestiç Reclusë

Chelle in the City

Reclaiming Freedom

The life and times of a Single Mum.

Journey After Divorce

cobyjean

one more morning

Moms Day At A Time

I am sure there are more, but these have given me strength in just hearing their stories.  Please go check them out if you have not already.  These are some pretty amazing people and am grateful for their stories, but am sorry that they have stories like this to share.  Strength and consideration to you all.  May you gain strength from current situations and may others provide you the consideration you deserve.  Much love!

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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2 Responses to Letting It Out

  1. cobyjean says:

    Anyone who finds the time to thank others, when they have so much to contend with, is a very thoughtful, strong person.

    The fact that you have loving memories is painful now, but hopefully one day you’ll consider them part of the blessings you did receive during your marriage. You wouldn’t want it to have been a total “loss”; nothing but hardship — the fact that you found many joys as well shows you are capable of love, and happiness, and know what you do like and love. Now let’s find all that again — minus the hardships that just couldn’t be part of your life any more. Now you know what those are, too! 🙂 Forewarned is forearmed xo Never settle, you’re too special….

    Next little step….xoxoxo

    • smommy says:

      As always cobyjean, your words are inspiring and the feeling of support exudes through them. I appreciate always having those waiting for me when I wake up in the morning. It helps to start my day right. Hope you have a most fantastic day! xoxoxo!

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