Again, reading that book all weekend.  I stumbled upon a most helpful chapter 4, entitled “On the Edge” (pages 72-73).   In my Crazy Time, I most assuredly feel the conflicting emotions of separating from my spouse.  There is a mix of ambivalence and hope.

This chapter has really hit home for me.  I do believe I just went through this duality of feelings…hoping in some way I could save the marriage and we could work it all out and longing to be alone, away from the dysfunctional abusive marriage.  I agree with the author that this happens mostly with couples with children.  For me, I wish to be a whole family again for the sake of my son.  But I also wish for the peace of us being apart.

“The leap from hate to love is par for the course in Crazy Time.  Therapists know that by exploring conflicting feelings instead of blocking them out as irrational, you can come to terms with a situation and make decisions.  It seems ironic, but when you acknowledge your Doublefeel in divorce, you can break the power these wild and contradictory emotions hold over you.”

This was me about two weeks ago.  I am glad I did go on and explore my feelings.  Consciously, I did not understand that was what I was doing.  I am glad I came to the conclusion that I made the right decision to leave the marriage.  It sincerely is what is best for both of us.  I do believe my husband can find someone better suited.  Do I think his current girlfriend is a good match?  Hells no.  I think that relationship was doomed from the beginning.  It appears that the relationship is over and I probably had a hand in it’s demise.  I will just tell myself that I was doing him a favor. (Do I sound a little bitter?)  I only feel it’s over with his girlfriend because he has posted our family photo as his profile picture and he finally listed me as his wife in his “About” section.  I had done this months before him, as I wanted to show him I was committed to working on ‘us’.  He contemplated the issue for a little too long, he put me through the wringer (which I probably deserved) and I gave up.  I did.  I gave up.  And I am sad to admit such.  It feels as if this marriage is going through a slow painful death.  Someone must step up and put it out of it’s misery, but I can’t do it just yet.  I don’t know why I can’t pull the trigger and file, but I can’t.

I’m not sure how couples file for divorce so quickly.  I find it admirable, yet scary.  Is it like peeling off a band-aid?  Quickly so the pain is done and over?  Or, as in my case, peel it off slowly so I can feel each painful sting?  Maybe I like the pain.  Maybe I think I deserve it.  I don’t know.  That’s an analysis for another day, I suppose.  Maybe I will know as I get further into this book.  It is such a helpful read and recommend to anyone going through a difficult time in their marriage, no matter where you think it might be headed.

I guess a part of me still feels for my child.  It’s such a huge blow to him.  Since he is only three, the impact that our separation has is a bit undetectable and other times it’s terribly apparent.  As I have mentioned before, he has tantrums, many lately, and it all seems to be centered around my husbands phone calls.  I see my son getting frustrated when daddy can’t understand what he’s saying and when daddy’s not paying attention.  Daddy has a short attention span and is easily distracted by others around him or traffic or merely walking down the street.  My son eventually get’s terribly frustrated and hands me the phone and doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.  Sometimes he yells at my husband too.  When my husband repeats what he thinks my son has said, my son yells his response back to correct my husband.  It is all lost on my husband.  I feel bad for him.  I just wish he would call the kid when he can really focus on the conversation.  He always calls while he’s walking to work or getting on BART or just before he begins work.  He always calls when he is surrounded by chaos.  I think my son is beginning to resent this.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally asked my husband to only call every other day.  This strategy has seemed to work.  My son is having fewer tantrums and he seems to be much happier.  It’s sad I have to ask for less communication, if he could just strive to make each communication more meaningful, it might turn the relationship around.  I have yet to get this point across to my husband.  I don’t think he really understands.  But oh well.  It is what it is.  Right?

So, on to happier days.  Even with the impending unemployment…which is coming near, I feel hopeful and positive that things will work out.  And even though I have not entirely left that “stoop” behind I am not looming in the doorway of my marriage.  I am not even looking back, but I am frozen on those steps looking forward.  I do suppose I will leave those steps and deal with the ending marriage once the rest of my life is under control.


About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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One Response to Duality

  1. lily2u1 says:

    Thinking of you, I know what you are going through is so hard. I’m glad that the book is helping a bit; for me, it made my mess of emotions, and the roller coaster of them, seem normal. I so needed that. Hugs, ~ Lily

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