I started reading the book Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life over the weekend. Wow! I am in deep. I read all of the stories and I can associate with many of the couples, men and women. I can also see my husbands side of things through the eyes of these “characters” she illustrates so well. I feel for him. I know I have wronged him by being the “dominant” one in the relationship.
Going into the marriage, I so wanted an equal partner. I wanted to be taken care of and made to feel secure when I couldn’t do it on my own. What happened was the exact opposite. Not only did I console myself when feeling down or challenged, I consoled him as well. I asked for help so many times. I asked for equality so many times. No one was listening. No one wanted to listen.
On the flip side, I am pretty sure he didn’t want to come home, and rather stay out and drink due to this inequality at home. He didn’t have to face what was going on and how I felt. I don’t know if I spoke to him properly, so that he could understand how I felt. I have never been great at communicating my feelings and really articulating exact events that made me feel the way I did. So, instead, we treated our partnership with disregard and disdain. I resented every moment I had to look at him and he didn’t come home so he didn’t have look at that resentment on my face.
What is done is done, though. We cannot go back. We can only move forward, which is painful in itself. This weekend is J’s birthday. I ran out to get him a present and card from our son. I need to ship it overnight since I procrastinated, but oh well. I decided I would get him a card too. I started browsing the “for husband” cards. None of them would do. I can’t send him heart-felt-love-you-forever-you’re-the-best-husband-ever cards. Not anymore. Then I began to browse less “special” cards. They wouldn’t do either. Why doesn’t Hallmark create another card category for the “ex’s”. You know, one’s that say I care, but not too much. As much as I don’t want him as my husband anymore, I do still care about him and he is the father of my beautiful son. I decided to go with a “special male friend” card. Its absolutely perfect. It tells him what a special friend he is and that he is cared about. I do miss him at times and this is one of those times.
It is so damn hard around holidays and birthdays. I guess I just want to make sure that he still has a special day. Until he met me, no one in his life had made his birthday special. There was never any fanfare or gifts, maybe just his favorite meal eaten quietly at his mother’s home. And probably a lot of beer. I always tried hard to make it special and to make him feel special. But I’m also sad because there were some birthdays that the special was sucked out of it. It’s almost as if he felt he didn’t deserve it. I can read into this all I want. I will never know because he will never tell me. He only apologizes for all the hard times and the bad things he did and said to me.
I am sure his birthday on Saturday will be special. He has to work a 12-18 hour shift which will most likely be filled with drunken festivities and a trip to his lovers home for a romp. That should be fun for him. And I hope all of his wishes come true.
Happy Birthday J. I hope you get everything you want and everything you never had.