Tough Week

I started reading the book Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life over the weekend.  Wow!  I am in deep.  I read all of the stories and I can associate with many of the couples, men and women.  I can also see my husbands side of things through the eyes of these “characters” she illustrates so well.  I feel for him.  I know I have wronged him by being the “dominant” one in the relationship.

Going into the marriage, I so wanted an equal partner.  I wanted to be taken care of and made to feel secure when I couldn’t do it on my own.  What happened was the exact opposite.  Not only did I console myself when feeling down or challenged, I consoled him as well.  I asked for help so many times.  I asked for equality so many times.  No one was listening.  No one wanted to listen.

On the flip side, I am pretty sure he didn’t want to come home, and rather stay out and drink due to this inequality at home.  He didn’t have to face what was going on and how I felt.  I don’t know if I spoke to him properly, so that he could understand how I felt.  I have never been great at communicating my feelings and really articulating exact events that made me feel the way I did.  So, instead, we treated our partnership with disregard and disdain.  I resented every moment I had to look at him and he didn’t come home so he didn’t have look at that resentment on my face.

What is done is done, though.  We cannot go back.  We can only move forward, which is painful in itself.  This weekend is J’s birthday.  I ran out to get him a present and card from our son.  I need to ship it overnight since I procrastinated, but oh well.  I decided I would get him a card too.  I started browsing the “for husband” cards.  None of them would do.  I can’t send him heart-felt-love-you-forever-you’re-the-best-husband-ever cards.  Not anymore.  Then I began to browse less “special” cards.  They wouldn’t do either.  Why doesn’t Hallmark create another card category for the “ex’s”.  You know, one’s that say I care, but not too much.  As much as I don’t want him as my husband anymore, I do still care about him and he is the father of my beautiful son.  I decided to go with a “special male friend” card.  Its absolutely perfect.  It tells him what a special friend he is and that he is cared about.  I do miss him at times and this is one of those times.

It is so damn hard around holidays and birthdays.  I guess I just want to make sure that he still has a special day.  Until he met me, no one in his life had made his birthday special.  There was never any fanfare or gifts, maybe just his favorite meal eaten quietly at his mother’s home.  And probably a lot of beer.  I always tried hard to make it special and to make him feel special.  But I’m also sad because there were some birthdays that the special was sucked out of it.  It’s almost as if he felt he didn’t deserve it.  I can read into this all I want.  I will never know because he will never tell me.  He only apologizes for all the hard times and the bad things he did and said to me.

I am sure his birthday on Saturday will be special.  He has to work a 12-18 hour shift which will most likely be filled with drunken festivities and a trip to his lovers home for a romp.  That should be fun for him.  And I hope all of his wishes come true.

Happy Birthday J.  I hope you get everything you want and everything you never had.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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6 Responses to Tough Week

  1. Sis says:

    That is so painful. I wish you many blessings as you step into your new life. God is with you.

  2. Like your posts : ) Sometimes people behave badly because they have low self-esteem. I really admire the people who don’t use this as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility for their actions, but instead come to accept they have a problem and become determined to change that. But of course nothing can be changed without his acceptance, it has to come from within him.

    Your right that you can’t change the past, and rumination on the past achieves nothing, apart from constructive reflection in terms of making a mental note of how we can behave more constructivdely in the future if a similar situation arises.

    Time will heal you, remember its our thoughts which create our reality. If we think positively, positive things usually happen. 🙂 I hope this is helpful and not patronising!!

    • smommy says:

      Thank you for your comment illuminat…I try terribly hard to keep positive, as I want positive things to happen. I do on most days…This week has been tough though. I have been operating on autopilot this week, just exhausted by my thoughts and reading this book. It’s a journey and expect to come out okay in the end… And no, I do not feel patronized at all, so no worries. 🙂

  3. cobyjean says:

    I’m proud of you for doing all you can to support and educate yourself about all you’re going through. Instead of just fumbling through and hoping for the best (although we all do that, too!!) you’re actively seeking direction and support. I’m laughing — Hallmark does need to modernize it’s card selection, huh 🙂 But you “did good”, babe — showed love without making yourself vulnerable. Keep hopping those stoop steps sister xo

    • smommy says:

      I guess I need more validation and to also be educated about what I am feeling and encountering. I learned a lot this weekend, let me tell ya. Plus, you get the added bonus of not feeling so alone in the journey…validation is good for that.

      But hey, Hallmark makes cards for everything else, why not a whole divorce section. Like, “Sorry you feel slighted” or “Good luck paying those bills, ’cause I’m not helping.” lol But really, thank you for your support once again. Your words are helpful and appreciated…that stoop is almost out of my life and it really helps that I finally blocked his girlfriends fb and I won’t go back there ever again… (I hope) 😉 Hope you have a fantastic day Cobyjean!

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