Proving My Point

This weekend my husband proved my point about our united stance in feeling that I was a mother to him.  He called asking for my help with his bank account.  Why this man is still unable to keep track of his bank account, I will never understand.  Again, he is asking me to take care of him.  Feel for him.  What he doesn’t understand is, I don’t anymore.

For the second weekend in a row, my husband has claimed to be sick from food poisoning.  As this might be true, I am unable to believe or feel sorry for him.  He has always been a hypochondriac and always claims he suffers from some ailment or another.  I could never keep track.  I used to take care of him all the time, until our son was born.  That stopped cold.  My son received all of my attention.  He was the infant that couldn’t take care of himself, where my husband was merely infantile.  There is a difference.  Bitterness arose from this though.  I firmly believe he was jealous of our son and this kept him from really caring for him as a baby.

When my son was a month old, he had a terrible flu.  A day later, I got the same flu.  We exiled ourselves to my sons room and I got no rest throughout the week and a half we were sick.  I was up aspirating and medicating M and myself.  My husband did not lift a finger to help.  Wait, that’s a lie.  He let me take a 4 hour nap on day two of my flu.  I was exhausted and glad that my son was as well.  I never would have made it through if he weren’t sleeping so much.  Shortly after we were feeling better, my husband was blessed with the same flu.  This did not stop him from going to work and bringing home the money.  All of his ailments were merely for attention.  I feel bad that he felt he needed to “be sick” in order to get my attention.

But not that bad.

There was some conversation about what my job prospects were and where I was looking.  I maintained that I was still seeking employment in Atlanta.  He thought that was wonderful, since he wants to move back in with us and try to make a go of it in a bigger city.  I didn’t respond to his statements.  He also had the audacity to change his FB profile picture to a family photo.  He’s not fooling anyone but himself.  And I am sorry for that.

But not that sorry.

I will not be having a conversation with him about our future until I have to.  For now, I will let him think what he wants or needs to to get by.  I did help him with his bank account as he requested since the banks were closed, it just took me a couple of days to respond.  Lol.  Whatever.  He needs to learn to start taking care of himself instead of letting everyone else do it.  He grew up in a harsh environment where he was taking care of his family at a very young age.  They sent him to work at 13 years old (under the table work) and had him looking after his siblings in his spare time.  He was never taken care of as a kid.  This is one of the things that actually attracted me.  I knew that I could show him how to be a kid and I gave him everything he never had…but he just kept taking after a while.  He took until I had no more to give, other than that that was needed by my own child.

I wish he would seek counseling and/or go to AA.  If only he knew how much it could help him sort out his own feelings of abandonment and loss of a childhood.  Yes, he was abandoned as a child.  His parents left him and his sister in Mexico, while they sought a better life in America.  They took two of their children with them, and left two behind with a family friend.  The friend had no interest in looking after the kids and left them to their own devices.  The money that J’s parents sent to care for them, instead went into the caretakers pocket and spent on her own children.  J and his sister ate cereal or other left overs while the family ate feasts.  It was a tragic way to grow up and I still feel for that little boy that seemingly never had a chance.

Then, finally, at the age of 13, he was summoned to America.  His parents brought him and his sister into the country under a student visa.  The visa has since expired and both have been undocumented citizens since the age of 17.  There is little chance of them becoming citizens, unless they marry a citizen.  J’s sister is about to be married.  She is going through all the legal channels  in order to obtain her citizenship.  My husband has refused to go forward with the requirements.  He feels that the cost is way too high.  After consulting many lawyers, it has been determined that there is a 50/50 chance that he will have to spend a minimum of 10 years in Mexico before returning.  There are many factors that have determined this, which I will not go into.  He has no criminal record, pays his taxes and is married to a citizen, but this is how our immigration system works….especially in the case of Mexicans.  There is a certain bias in the system when it comes to Mexicans.  I wish I knew why.  But in many cases, the system wants these people to give up.  Sentencing him to 10 years out of the country is unacceptable.  Many individuals are made to sit in prison until they give up.  There are many cases of this, which I may go into later in more detail.  But trust me.  It happens all the time.  I hope my sister-in-law comes to a better end.

With this situation, it makes it difficult for me and my family to really move forward in life.  With more and more states passing strict anti-immigrant laws, it makes it difficult for us to get ahead and for my husband to feel safe anywhere other than California.  So that’s where he should stay.  Safe and sound where the state can care for him (figuratively).

So this is his story.  These are his obstacles.  These are the factors that keep him from growing up and being the man I know he can be.  I feel for him.  I do.

I just can’t care anymore.

About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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One Response to Proving My Point

  1. cobyjean says:

    Jeez Louise. You have the insight and compassion to understand his issues — but the strength not to let them become yours. I have goosebumps. Keep steppin’ off that stoop sister. I like how graceful you’re getting at it xo

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