Resolve

I am being tested, I know this.  But I am angry today.  My husband has decided to make an old photo of us as a family as his FB profile picture.  So, of course, here I am to write about this.  To get my anger out, let it pass through me and be done with it.  I wonder what I will encounter in tonight’s phone call.

But even with what I may meet, I am solid in my resolve.  I will no longer fall for his manipulations the way he wants me too.  I won’t.  I’m too tired.  There is some wavering, but will stand my ground.  This past week, I have had my hopes for reconciliation dashed and my guard went up.

Wait…that’s him messaging me on FB right now.  Let’s see what he has to say:

“Hey!!”
“hi”
“Bored at work?”
“nope, writing a blog and looking for a new place to live”
“Planing to move to atl still?”
“if i get a job there…of course”
“I hope so..”
“How’s M?”
“he’s fine”
“He’s he feeling better?”
“i guess so, his nose was a little off this morning again, think it’s allergies”
“Well that’s good…at least is not getting worst”
“yep”
“Can I call him later?”
“sure. sorry i missed your call last night.”
“It’s ok …thank you”
“no problem. have a good night at work.”
“Thanks, you too!”
I kept it simple.  I only engaged when he spoke about our son.  Otherwise, there is nothing to speak about.  The phone conversation may go differently this evening, but we will see.
He caught me at the wrong time, a day earlier I may not have been so lucky.  I have resolved to keep myself and my son healthy and happy.  From my fellow bloggers, I have received validation and support and encouragement that I have never received elsewhere.  I am so appreciative for this community and humbled by the respect that is shown as I go on this journey.  For that, I will be forever grateful.
As I begin this new journey, finding a new job and a new place to live, I will use it as my clean slate.  I will begin again and I will be a better person, a healthier person, a happier person.  And my son will grow into the same.  It will indeed be quite awesome.  I look forward to another day on this journey.  Another day that I will gain strength from my resolve and take another step off of the stoop I have been frozen on.
I look forward to the moment when that door closes completely and the stoop will be left behind and only a memory.
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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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2 Responses to Resolve

  1. cobyjean says:

    That’s my girl. No reactions, no games….you stood proud and strong. Don’t you think he didn’t notice 🙂 He hung up wondering how he’s lost his ability to upset you! Even if he does — he doesn’t need to know xoxo I’m so in your corner!

    • smommy says:

      Ah shucks, thanks lady. I’m sure he noticed, especially with his latest antics. He is trying hard now, where he wasn’t before. It’s just too late. Although I have my moments of wanting to accept him back, they are only passing. When I think of all of the problems…it doesn’t add up to happiness for us.

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