“They” say there is an art to letting go. I think one just comes to a point when enough is enough. Last night, I hit that “enough” point and am ready to let go.
Yesterday I wrote about being stuck on that stoop of walking out of a bad marriage. Today, I feel I am getting closer to stepping off and moving on. I spoke with my husband briefly last evening and, of course, he had been drinking. He told me otherwise, but I know the sound of a drunk husband when I hear one. He informed me that he had been to the doctor to try to change out his prescription from paxil to zoloft. I had told him I used zoloft during my postpartum depression and it worked for me. He took it upon himself to ask his doctor to prescribe it to him and “apparently” showed him an article that I sent. The article written by a fellow blogger, Eva Tenter at What is Depression? . She spoke of the links between alcoholism and depression and anxiety. After reading the post, I had a better understanding of why my husband drinks. He has some issues with depression and anxiety and he is unable to control it. He self-medicates with alcohol since nothing else helps. Well, the doctor refused. I can only think that the doctor did not change his prescription due to his continued alcohol use and consumption. I don’t blame him. Zoloft is a pretty powerful drug.
But either way, my husband began ranting about how I treated him like a child and he felt like I was his mother. I completely agreed with him. I went on to tell him that I felt like his mother. I wanted more of a partner in the marriage. I had undertaken all of the responsibilities of paying bills, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and making all of the tough decisions. He wanted no part of it. I don’t think he wanted the responsibility. I know he didn’t want the responsibility. If a decision was made and it was a bad or misguided decision, he could not be blamed for something going awry. I carried the blame for all decisions. It was something he would throw in my face on many drunken occasions. I was to blame for everything. I am to blame for our marriage going bad.
I told him again that I did not feel he was trying to work on any of the issues we had and that I felt there was no commitment from his side to indeed work on our relationship. He conveyed to me that he was unsure and confused. I understood, but I also did not feel the need to commit to working on it either if my attempts were to be futile. I also mentioned his lover and he took offense, telling me that they had nothing together. I told him once again that I did not believe it since there were so many Facebook photos conveying the contrary. He told me that he could have something with her if he wanted and asked if I wanted him to do that. I told him that I didn’t care.
After I said that, I felt a pain run through my body. A sharp jealous pain. And then, I simply let it go. I thought about all of the difficulties we had had and all of the names I have been called and how alone I felt all of those years with him. I supported him through his withdraw from drugs and subsequent depression. I laid by his side when he didn’t feel he could get out of bed. I woke him with kisses all over his face to try to cheer him up. When I was battling postpartum depression, I was told to “get over it.” Those memories came rushing back into the forefront of my mind and the pain went away. At that moment, I decided that I will no longer pursue my marriage, I will no longer try to mend what was broken. I will no longer be obsessed with what he may or may not be doing with his girlfriend. I am done.
And it feels good in a way, but I know I will have some wavering moments. I am looking forward to receiving the divorce self-help book in the mail so I can begin the healing process and find my happy place. I am done being a slave to alcohol and it’s effect on myself and my child. I am no longer longing for a relationship that never worked. I am looking forward to finding happiness and beginning a new chapter. I feel a bit of freedom today. But just a bit. I know it’s just the beginning to a tough road ahead and that there will definitely be happiness at the end of that road.
So, here’s to Letting Go! Cheers!