Letting Go

“They” say there is an art to letting go.  I think one just comes to a point when enough is enough.  Last night, I hit that “enough” point and am ready to let go.

Yesterday I wrote about being stuck on that stoop of walking out of a bad marriage.  Today, I feel I am getting closer to stepping off and moving on.  I spoke with my husband briefly last evening and, of course, he had been drinking.  He told me otherwise, but I know the sound of a drunk husband when I hear one.  He informed me that he had been to the doctor to try to change out his prescription from paxil to zoloft.  I had told him I used zoloft during my postpartum depression and it worked for me.  He took it upon himself to ask his doctor to prescribe it to him and “apparently” showed him an article that I sent.  The article written by a fellow blogger,  Eva Tenter at What is Depression? .  She spoke of the links between alcoholism and depression and anxiety.  After reading the post, I had a better understanding of why my husband drinks.  He has some issues with depression and anxiety and he is unable to control it.  He self-medicates with alcohol since nothing else helps.  Well, the doctor refused.  I can only think that the doctor did not change his prescription due to his continued alcohol use and consumption.  I don’t blame him.  Zoloft is a pretty powerful drug.

But either way, my husband began ranting about how I treated him like a child and he felt like I was his mother.  I completely agreed with him.  I went on to tell him that I felt like his mother.  I wanted more of a partner in the marriage.  I had undertaken all of the responsibilities of paying bills, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and making all of the tough decisions.  He wanted no part of it.  I don’t think he wanted the responsibility.  I know he didn’t want the responsibility.  If a decision was made and it was a bad or misguided decision, he could not be blamed for something going awry.  I carried the blame for all decisions.  It was something he would throw in my face on many drunken occasions.  I was to blame for everything.  I am to blame for our marriage going bad.

I told him again that I did not feel he was trying to work on any of the issues we had and that I felt there was no commitment from his side to indeed work on our relationship.  He conveyed to me that he was unsure and confused.  I understood, but I also did not feel the need to commit to working on it either if my attempts were to be futile.  I also mentioned his lover and he took offense, telling me that they had nothing together.  I told him once again that I did not believe it since there were so many Facebook photos conveying the contrary.  He told me that he could have something with her if he wanted and asked if I wanted him to do that.  I told him that I didn’t care.

After I said that, I felt a pain run through my body.  A sharp jealous pain.  And then, I simply let it go.  I thought about all of the difficulties we had had and all of the names I have been called and how alone I felt all of those years with him.  I supported him through his withdraw from drugs and subsequent depression.  I laid by his side when he didn’t feel he could get out of bed.  I woke him with kisses all over his face to try to cheer him up.  When I was battling postpartum depression, I was told to “get over it.”  Those memories came rushing back into the forefront of my mind and the pain went away.  At that moment, I decided that I will no longer pursue my marriage, I will no longer try to mend what was broken.  I will no longer be obsessed with what he may or may not be doing with his girlfriend.  I am done.

And it feels good in a way, but I know I will have some wavering moments.  I am looking forward to receiving the divorce self-help book in the mail so I can begin the healing process and find my happy place.  I am done being a slave to alcohol and it’s effect on myself and my child.  I am no longer longing for a relationship that never worked.  I am looking forward to finding happiness and beginning a new chapter.  I feel a bit of freedom today.  But just a bit.  I know it’s just the beginning to a tough road ahead and that there will definitely be happiness at the end of that road.

So, here’s to Letting Go!  Cheers!

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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5 Responses to Letting Go

  1. cobyjean says:

    Just a bit. That will do for now 🙂 The more I read, the more amazed I am at how many of us go through just what you seem to be, now. Darling, I was your husband. An active addict/alcoholic — you cannot win, with “us”. Not while we’re active. The blame, the guilt, the pass-off of responsibility — it’s our schtick. How we live. It’s why we dislike ourselves so, and hurt others to show it. You can kiss us all over — we’ll still bite you. I’m also YOU, though — so afraid to face all the changes needed (part of what drove me to drink to begin with xo). Letting go of what you know — even if what you know sucks — is terrifying. Especially with a child to fret (I have 3. Your son will be fine, as long as he never has any reason to believe he’s not deeply loved by you both). Tip: don’t let the “other woman” bug you. I know that’s harsh. But she’s nothing more than a display of your husband’s insecurities. I’m old, trust me, I’ve learned the things that hurt the most are often the ones we should be taking least personally.

    I’ll quit jamming up your blog. But I’m rooting you on big time, and am “here” if I can be of help. I’ve been down your road, sis. A couple times, even. We don’t all learn the first time around. Remember that and be gentle with yourself. One more step, off the stoop — that’ll do for now xo LOVE!

  2. smommy says:

    Sh*t. That just made me tear up. Seriously. Thank you for your support and thank you for your encouragement and validation. You do not know how much it means to me. I came here to blog so I didn’t feel so alone and I don’t with people like you around. I am sorry you have had these troubles as well as dealing with the disease of alcoholism. I know how easy it is to get lost in the escape of addiction. I used to smoke a lot of weed to ignore what was going on in my marriage. My husband used to bring it home whenever I told him I was going to quit. He didn’t want to be alone in his addiction status. I haven’t taken a puff in over 2 years, as much as I’d like to…man, do I miss it. You know, just to take that edge off of the stress lately. So, back to the grind but not to the grinding. I do know things will get better and that tiny steps are best for me, as long as they are steps in the right direction. I am sincerely looking forward to it and hope I can reach a better understanding as you have. Congrats to you on your recovery! I am proud of you. Thank you again!

  3. Domestiç Reclusë says:

    It sounds like you’ve tried everything imaginable & things haven’t changed. You’re at the point now where you realize that the only thing you can change, the only person you can truly control, is none other than yourself. You can’t do anything for your spouse; he has to watn that for himself, he has to want it for your child, for your family. And even then, that’s not enough; he has to DO something about it to make progress, not just want it.

    Fortunately, your time with him has made you stronger, independent, and self-sufficient. You are prepared & ready to move on; you can handle it — somewhere deep inside, you KNOW you can! 🙂 I’m happy for you, not for all that’s happened, but for all that you’re ABOUT to make happen with your life. You are going to do awesome things & be the awesome person that you were meant to be! Sure, like you said, you may have a few wavering moments… but just look back at the things you’ve written here to remind yourself of what you’re letting go: pain, suffering, hate, anger, addiction, destruction, and so much more. Letting go of all these things will simply help makie room for all the good you’ll come across here soon! You’ll be just fine! Get your momentum going & soon life will no longer be a hurdle for you, it’ll be an awesome adventure instead!

    Good luck mama, wishing you all the best! *hugz*

    • smommy says:

      Wow, Thank you so much for your kind words and your encouragement and support. It’s people like you that really help me through all of this. It appreciated beyond words can tell.

      I look so forward to what will be. I know I will be happier after some difficult times. Honestly, I’ve always felt alone. I have always done things on my own and it’s okay. I have always been the strong one…in this relationship and within my own family. Sometimes I get scared, but for the most part, I use my fear to push me forward in order to remove what is troubling. I am not sure why I hesitated so with this relationship…not fear of being alone…that never bothered me. Most likely, I think its failing that I feared. Failing at not being able to change the outcome of my relationship with my father… But dammit, nothing can change that and nothing can change this… So I throw my arms up and surrender. It can’t get any worse and I look forward to the changes coming down the pipe for me and my kid! Thanks again! Much love xoxo

  4. I know EXACTLY how you feel. S tay strong and stay focused on what is right for you and your family. Thinking of you!

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