I have not been able to write lately. I should. I feel like writing this whole conundrum down puts things in perspective and am better able to sort everything. But not now. Things are so muddled and I cannot tell one emotion from the other. I feel there is no sorting this mess in my head.
Depression has hit me full force. Not only can I not get a commitment from my husband to work on our marriage, I am faced with losing my job in the very near future. AND on top of that, I am also faced with losing the place we now live. The owners of the house I am renting informed me that they would like to sell the house since I am losing my job. Wow, right? I am stifled with this feeling of falling apart. Everything that I have worked for and towards by moving here is falling apart before my eyes. I am sad, yet I cannot cry. I am depressed, yet I am unable to let myself feel all of the feelings. I have feelings, yet I do not know what they are. They are muddled and it’s difficult to decipher one from the other. Sorting them seems impossible to me.
I thought I was accepting that my marriage had failed. But right when I think I am moving in that direction, my husband pulls on my heart strings and I get sucked back into the vacuum that is my marriage. It’s a roller coaster that I cannot seem to exit and my head is spinning. Last week a couple of things happened. First, I found out that he had taken my wedding rings with him. I thought he had, as I have not been able to find them for a while. Being absent minded, I figured I had hidden them somewhere and forgotten where. I finally decided to ask him. I hadn’t asked before because I was afraid of the answer and afraid I would never see them again. Well, I did ask and I did receive them in the mail.
Second, I asked J if we could set aside an hour per week to really discuss our problems with one another. He told me he didn’t have the time. Wow. He went from, “let’s work on it” to “I don’t have the time.” Again I was left befuddled by the head spin of the about face attitude towards working out our marriage. I asked him why he seems so hot and cold on the subject and he told me, “Well, you have too.”
Well, maybe I have. Why, you ask? Because he still has a girlfriend. Why would either of us work on the marriage, really. I hurt so much. My heart breaks every time I see a facebook photo of the two together. My heart breaks every time I see that they’ve gone gone on a trip. My heart breaks every time I even suspect they might be together. I have a pretty good gut instinct and I know my husband all too well; my suspicions are pretty dead on. Plus, my husband is the worst liar on the face of the earth.
Today, I wrote him a message. I asked that he remove me from our joint account and just starting sending a child support check once a month. I am leaving it to him to determine how much clothing, feeding and sheltering our son is worth. I told him that I cannot watch him with his girlfriend anymore. It just hurts too much. Then I apologized to him for expecting him to stick around as I moved on with my life. I now know how it feels. Well, sorta. I never moved on and into a relationship. When I asked for a divorce, I told him I just wanted to be alone. And that’s the truth. I don’t feel I need the company of a man to make me feel whole and my son doesn’t need a dad, he already has one. Sometimes, I wish I was different so I could forget about my doomed marriage and just frickin’ move on. Seriously, what is my problem. Wait, don’t answer that.
Lily at One More Morning wrote about the book Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Abigail Trafford. I ordered it on Amazon today. So today, I have decided once again, to move on and accept this situation and accept that there is no fixing my marriage. I am hopeful for a new life and that there will be peace in my mind full of unsorted feelings.