Obsessed

I am going to admit it.  I am totally obsessed with what my husband is doing and who he is doing it with.  His girlfriend’s Facebook page is set to public and can go view it anytime I’d like.  I have moments when I become obsessed with it.  I want to know so bad if he is still dating her.  Even though I already know the answer to this, I like to look for solid evidence and present it to my husband every now and then.

Last weekend she posted something, oh, um, like “Taking a mini-vacay down the coast”.  Geographically, down the coast from San Francisco is Santa Cruz.  And to double check to see if my husband was with her, I decided to check his bank account.  Yes I did.  I know, stupid, obsessive behavior, but couldn’t help myself.  I just needed to confirm my suspicion and I did.  He had an ATM withdraw at a BofA in Santa Cruz.  Of course when I confronted him, not only was he completely wasted, he denied everything.  He called me a stalker.  He said he was with his sister and her fiance.  But what ticks me off the most is this…He asked me a few months ago if I could refrain from transferring money from his account to mine for child support.  (I only take $50 a month) The reason is that he’d like to save up money to buy a plane ticket to see his son.  So when I see a $200 withdraw from Santa Cruz, I lose it.  He has money to spend on his girlfriend, but not his kid.

I tried to convey this to him, but he was not getting it.  I ended the conversation asking that he take me off of his account and that we come up with a solid agreement for the amount of money he will pay monthly for support of his child and can send me a check.  He argued, of course, told me that he buys a lot of things for his kid all the time.  What?  “No you don’t!  I buy him things.  I buy him food, I pay for the roof over his head, I buy his clothes.  You.  You buy him an outfit and some toys every now and then.  You don’t buy him shit!”

At the tail end of the conversation, he obviously walked out of the room where his girlfriend was, as he stopped berating me and began begging.  He begged that we work on things , he begged that we move back to California, he said that he would stop drinking for good since the last two months were so easy.  Easy, I thought.  Hmph!  I’m so tired of his drinking problem that isn’t a problem to him.  “I’m not one of those alcoholics like on those TV shows.”

Yesterday, I decided to check his girlfriends facebook again.  I hate that I do this.  Why doesn’t she just block me?  Anyways, it said, “Two headlights out in one week.  But thanks to a special someone, they are working again.”  My guess, that “someone special” is my husband.  I instantly got pissed and texted my husband and told him what a good thing he had done for his “whore” girlfriend.  Yep, I lowered myself to that level.  I hated myself after that, but I did it and I wouldn’t talk to him about it when he called.  I guess I am just so angry that he’s begging to keep our family together, but still has a girlfriend.  And the fact that he is lying about it bewilders and angers me even more.

In response to his begging, I finally told him that if he stopped drinking and went to AA for at least a year, I would think about it.  And that it would not happen as long as he has a girlfriend.  But, honestly, there is no way in hell I would move back there.  I keep thinking about what our kid would be missing by living there.  There are no stars to look up at before he goes to bed.  The stars are always in his dreams and I cannot take those dreams away.  The other day, he woke up and went straight to the fish tank.  He asked me, “Are the fish awake?”

“Yes, they are.”

“Did they have dreams?”

“I am sure they did.  What do you think they dreamed about?”

“The stars.”

This conversation convinced me to stay where we are at.  In full view of the stars.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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2 Responses to Obsessed

  1. Off Duty Mom says:

    Stay strong. Being a grown up is tough, isn’t it?

  2. smommy says:

    I know, I am being so darn childish right now…I feel like I’ve reverted to high school tactics and I’m pushing 40. So not cool of me.

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