Just Wake Me Up When It’s Over Please

Yesterday.  Wow…what a day.  So many things happened of the good and bad variety.

Friday I decided to send an email directly to a specific person at CNN in order to apply for a position.  I do not trust these automated systems that could possibly suck your information in and never spit it out.  I am glad that I did this, as I did get a call yesterday morning from their human resources department for an initial phone interview.  This person will be submitting my resume to a few different people for a couple of different jobs.  I would love to work at a large company with great benefits and am hopeful for a call back for a second interview…sometime, with someone.  I am not desperate for a job at the moment and I do not want to get to that point.  I do so hope to mitigate much of the stress and discombobulation that will begin when I take on a new position and potentially move, uprooting my child and beginning anew.  Ugh.  I look forward to the time when things will be tranquil and easy again.

As mush as I would like to think I am shielding my child from much of the stress I am under, he is beginning to show signs of feeling that stress too.  He may not know what exactly is going on, but he knows something is up with mommy.  Or he could just be in the midst of the ghastly three’s.  Or maybe both symptoms are plaguing my poor kid.  For the first time ever, he threw a tantrum to top all tantrums.  When his father called and I would not let him hold the phone with his filthy hands, he threw a fit which consisted of him throwing his food at me followed by his glass of water. What the, huh?  Is this my kid?  The most even tempered kid I have ever known just did something that I completely could not comprehend or expect.  I was furious, sad, and surprised and did not know what to think or feel.  I immediately hung up the phone with my husband and took the kid to a serious time out.  I told him he could come out when he was done crying and ready to apologize.  THEN…the worst words to come out of his mouth, EVER, “I don’t love you mommy!”  UGH!  Mega-UGH!  Talk about a killer.

I hurried and poured myself a small glass of wine to anesthetize the pain that his actions and words caused.  But I took two sips (since I’m not a drinker) and decided just to feel whatever it was I was feeling, plus the wine didn’t taste all that great.  Hell, I never felt that way before.  Holy crap man!  It took him an entire half hour to stop crying and come to say “sorry”.  What kills me the most is that I know this is all of my fault.  No matter how hard I try to keep my feelings to myself, I am overwhelmed and they spill over at home. As I have been told many times, children are perceptive little buggers…

We have been eating out more often because I don’t feel like cooking, which is something I take pride in and love doing.  I haven’t been doing our bedtime ritual for the past couple of months.  My house isn’t as clean as usual.  And all because I just don’t frickin’ care right now.  I don’t have the energy to take on all of those little things that took a bit of energy.  I don’t have energy to deal with anything but eating and playing with my kid or on bad nights, watching my kid play.  I still read him books before bed, but there is no swinging, tickling or flying going on anymore.  There are moments that I remember our ritual and will do it that night…but then it stops again the next night.  I am totally unfocused at home and all I do is try to lose myself in some stupid sitcom or dry crime drama.  I’m losing it and my kid is losing.

As I told a friend today…I am just looking forward to the moment when things are settled again, when I am happy again and all is calm.  I am tired of being tired and sad and anxious.  And though I try to focus on that happier moment down the road, my mind slips into worrying about the current struggle and the struggle yet to come.  I know this is not the end of the world, just a hiccup on my path to happiness, stability and freedom.

I wish I could just wake up and it all be over and I am in that happy place.  A new place.  A new life and new beginning where my focus is back on my kid.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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