J did finally call me Friday afternoon. I read him the message that his sister sent as well as my response.
This time, I didn’t ask, I told him, “I need to leave you alone. It seems you are happy and apparently Ale felt compelled to send me the message in order to tell me so.”
He began to get defensive and told me I shouldn’t have “unfriended” them in the first place. Well, I did and with good reason. He did not understand my reasons and maintained that he has never said anything bad about me to his family. This statement I find difficult to believe since he said some pretty horrible things about me to my friends and my family. I had to pick up the pieces of those relationships after he left and do some serious damage control. It wasn’t pretty. So no, I do not believe for one stinkin’ second that he kept quiet to his family.
J also asked me why I never call his family and began to get a little aggressive.
“Because I don’t have anyone’s phone number. They have mine now, they can call anytime they want. Did you ever give them my number and let them know they can call M anytime?”
“Yes, but you know how they are. They will feel uncomfortable.”
“Tell me about it. I understand, but if they want to talk to him, they can call. I gave Ale my number.”
“You should call them. I don’t know why they have to call you.”
“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that without phone numbers.”
“I will text them to you.”
“Okay, fine. Shoot them over to me and I will call and make the first move.”
But to tell the truth, I don’t want to. For me, they need to make that move. I don’t really want to talk to them. At this point, my kid could care less and doesn’t remember them. If they want to remain in his memory, they should be calling. I don’t care about their excuses. They have not sent birthday or Christmas cards to him. If they care so much, why don’t they at least acknowledge him with a note in the mail or something. I feel zero responsibility for maintaining a relationship between M and my in-laws.
So far, I have not received a text from J with phone numbers and I have not received any calls from Ale or anyone else in his family. This is normal. J used to be so hurt that they never called to check on our son or him. He used to say it didn’t bother him, but I knew better. It bothered him. I mean, shit, they lived twenty minutes away. We were a straight shot across the Bay Bridge. These are things I don’t understand about his family because my family would not behave that way. And I, more than anyone, understand everyone has a life to live and we all get busy, but I don’t go so far with that excuse to ignore my family.
Our conversation continued after he calmed down. He told me that he was thinking of texting me the night before, but it was too late. He said that he felt like having a beer and wanted some support. He didn’t text me.
I said, ” You know you can call or text anytime if you need support. I am always here for you.”
“Yeah, well, I did have a beer.”
“Really, just one. That’s okay. If it’s just one and you stopped, that shows you how strong you have become. I’m proud of you. Good job.”
“Yeah, it felt good and I felt like I needed one.”
“That’s okay, you just kept it at one and that’s awesome.”
“Well, you never appreciated the fact that I always kept a job and brought home money. Who cares if I had a drink or two after work. I never went without work and always brought home money to support us.”
“That’s not my point though. I felt like you’d rather hang out with your friends and drink than be home with your family. I felt so alone and I felt bad for M too.”
The conversation didn’t end there. When we were saying our goodbye’s he said that he was feeling a bit hungover and needed to get some coffee before going to work. “Yep, those three or four beers gave me a hangover, I guess I’m a lightweight now.”
“What? Three or four. You told me you only had one.”
“Yeah, so what. It was only a few.”
“But I was just complimenting you and telling you that I was proud of you for stopping at one. I don’t get it. Why did you let me believe you only had one?”
“Oh, K, who cares? It doesn’t matter. It was only one night and I still go to work and I still make money.”
I knew this was going to be a losing battle so I just went silent, although my disappointment was very audible. I just don’t understand him. Why the lie? Then I think back to all the little lies that built up over time. He would lie about so many little things, things that I don’t remember, but the lies I didn’t understand. Things that didn’t need to be lied about and things that were really inconsequential until it was a lie. These things I would not be upset about. The moment he lied about them though, I was upset. It was a slap in the face. He didn’t trust me with truth. I don’t feel I have given him a reason not to trust me with truth. I try to understand; I just figure he is a compulsive liar and he cannot help himself. I make excuses for him, but that doesn’t mean I understand. I am not sure where this habit came from.
After the conversation ended, I was back to feeling that I did not want this person in my life and I need to begin the process of letting go, even if that means I am letting him go into another woman’s arms. So be it. He is not going to change and someone else can have the burden that is my husband.
Quandary: Try to keep my family together and fix things or let go.
Yeah….I don’t know.