My stomach just hurts. This knot grows and disgusts me. I have no clue what I’m feeling right now. Why the doubt? Why always do I feel doubt?
I began thinking about whether I was jealous that my husband has moved on or do I really miss him. Do I really want him back? Our last discussion was cut short. He did not want to think about it anymore.
“Do you really love me? I don’t think you do.”
I have been thinking about this question since it was posed to me. Do I love him? Am I just jealous at the fact that he’s moved on? So many questions and I have no answers.
I know that I felt an emptiness during the holidays. It just did not feel right without him there with us.
When I watched The Notebook on television one evening, it made me long for the days that I thought we would be that old couple, dying in each others arms because we could not be apart.
I miss all those little Mexican things. Even his soccer teams. I don’t miss watching it, but I miss having that association…as silly as it may seem. It was like I was in a club of sorts. I miss that club.
Now that I am feeling unstable and looking for a job, I wish he was here to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wish he was here to support me and make me feel better when I am feeling down about the situation.
I wish he was here to teach our kid Spanish.
I wish he was here to download new music so we could dance together with our son on the weekends. He has great taste in music. We also enjoy indie movies together. I long for those movie nights.
I miss his smell.
Those early days I used to kiss him all over the face to wake him up. I miss that passion I once felt. I used to say “I love you” about 20 times a day, which slowly dwindled to zero.
At the end of our last conversation, he told me that we would talk when he comes to visit in early May. I guess I have until then to figure it out. I wonder if therapy can help us ignite that passion again. I wonder if there is any hope. I hate failing at anything. I do my best to be my best. So why would I continue to fail at this marriage?