So Unsure

My stomach just hurts.  This knot grows and disgusts me.  I have no clue what I’m feeling right now.  Why the doubt?  Why always do I feel doubt?

I began thinking about whether I was jealous that my husband has moved on or do I really miss him.  Do I really want him back?  Our last discussion was cut short.  He did not want to think about it anymore. 

“Do you really love me?  I don’t think you do.”

I have been thinking about this question since it was posed to me.  Do I love him?  Am I just jealous at the fact that he’s moved on?  So many questions and I have no answers.

I know that I felt an emptiness during the holidays.  It just did not feel right without him there with us. 

When I watched The Notebook on television one evening, it made me long for the days that I thought we would be that old couple, dying in each others arms because we could not be apart. 

I miss all those little Mexican things.  Even his soccer teams.  I don’t miss watching it, but I miss having that association…as silly as it may seem.  It was like I was in a club of sorts.  I miss that club.

Now that I am feeling unstable and looking for a job, I wish he was here to tell me everything was going to be okay.  I wish he was here to support me and make me feel better when I am feeling down about the situation.

I wish he was here to teach our kid Spanish.

I wish he was here to download new music so we could dance together with our son on the weekends.  He has great taste in music.  We also enjoy indie movies together.  I long for those movie nights.

I miss his smell.

Those early days I used to kiss him all over the face to wake him up.  I miss that passion I once felt.  I used to say “I love you” about 20 times a day, which slowly dwindled to zero.

At the end of our last conversation, he told me that we would talk when he comes to visit in early May.  I guess I have until then to figure it out.  I wonder if therapy can help us ignite that passion again.  I wonder if there is any hope.  I hate failing at anything.  I do my best to be my best.  So why would I continue to fail at this marriage? 

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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9 Responses to So Unsure

  1. Jessica says:

    Hugs and prayers, if those are welcome. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    • smommy says:

      Yes, very welcome. Misery sure does love some company. Although I am not a religious being, I am very spiritual…And thank you for your comment. I feel the hugs and the prayers.

  2. SM2K says:

    I can very much relate to your uncertainty. And all the questions! Am I doing the right thing? Do I love him? etc. Every morning I would wake up feeling something different. I wished that I could KNOW what the right thing was to do. One night at my lowest I was standing outside and looking up at the sky, and I spotted the first star. It was probably a planet (LOL) but I looked at in and just said “I wish for clarity”. And the next morning, I knew exactly what to do and what I wanted. I am not saying wait around for a start to wish upon, but if you ask for clarity, maybe it will come to you.

    And it might not mean much from me, But everything is going to be just fine. The highs and lows are going to knock you around, but they wont break you. Letting go of a life that is all that you have known for a long time is very difficult. So give yourself a chance to… accept and understand it. You deserve happiness and it will come 🙂

    • smommy says:

      I like the idea of clarity. I am going to work towards that very thing…try to un-bog my mind with all of the things that are happening right now. Last night my son and I wished on a star…I wished for clarity as well and he blew it to the sky, straight towards the star. Thank you for the comment and the sentiment!

  3. I’ve been going through a lot of these emotions as well. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly why I love my wife so much. Am I actually in love with what I wanted the relationship to be or who I thought my wife could be, rather than who she actually is?

    There is also an element of not liking to fail at play. I suppose with divorce being so common these days, there is no longer a stigma attached to it. But I still have a difficult time accepting it.

    My thoughts are with you and I hope you can figure things out. I’m sorry you have to go through such painful emotions.

    • smommy says:

      I feel akin to you Mr. Eclectic. Although our exact experience is not similar, our feelings seem to be… I offer you strength and consideration. May we both come out of this in one piece and better people.

    • smommy says:

      …and by the way, I love your writing. I must admit I am a bit addicted to your blog.

  4. tashal78 says:

    Wow. How your post mimics my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could feel some peace with decisions I’ve made. Seems like when I take a step one way I want to turn around and go back the other. ((hugs))

    • smommy says:

      Ah, my virtual friend…I do hope you find peace. I do hope that your mind can be made up one way or the other… I am going to follow SM2K’s advise…seek clarity. Maybe we can seek it together!

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