The Feeling of Failure

For the last week I have been feeling a most impending doom barreling full speed at my security and happiness.  Not only am I about to lose my job, I have been faced with the fact that I am about to lose my marriage completely.  Two big failures in a week is a little much to bear and wish I was a drinker so I could drink the pain of my failures away.  After a little examination…many small failures added up to these big failures.  Sad really, I wish I could stop the failure train.

On New Year’s Eve, I received a phone call at exactly midnight.  I was home and awake since I left a gathering early, because “things” just didn’t feel quite right.  The evening was missing something and my depression from Christmas seeped into my New Year festivities.  Besides that fact, I wanted to get my son home and spend some time with him.  I had not spent a New Year’s Eve with him since he was born.  I just needed to cuddle him.  As much as I probably shouldn’t…I find my comfort in him. So, I answer the phone.  It was my husband.  It was only nine-o’clock in San Francisco, but he wanted to call and wish me a Happy New Year.  I was so grateful to see it was him and to hear his voice.  We talked for a little bit and then he admitted that he missed me and things just didn’t feel right without me there.  He had just voiced exactly what I was feeling.  I wanted my husband by my side…not because I was lonely but because I felt incomplete.  I wanted him here with us.  I wanted all of us to snuggle in bed together and watch a movie until we fell asleep.  I wanted so much to have my family back together…happy, healthy and getting along.  I couldn’t say as much but did tell him that I missed him and that I’d like to try to work on our relationship.  Our conversation was cut short because he had to get back to whatever festivities he was attending.  He seemed to have moved on with his life and I sat wondering what I could’ve done differently.

Last Friday, I did a little digging and found out that my husband is dating someone else.  The pain seared through my heart.  I had confronted him on the issue before but he denied that he was involved with anyone.  Recently, his involvement with a girl has become increasingly apparent and the sickness in the pit of my stomach has become most palpable.  Instead of asking him again, I decided to email the girl that I believe he is dating.  I waited all weekend for a response from her but didn’t get it.  I did get into a huge fight with my husband though.  (Details to be omitted, but had to do with Valentine’s day) I did get a response Monday morning.  She didn’t confirm nor deny, but rather told me that I should move on because [my husband] has obviously moved on and it’s not fair to me.  Even though she did not say “yes” or “no”, I got my answer.  That was a yes.  I heard it…well, I read it.  Sadness washed over my body and I have not been able to eat or sleep due to my new feeling of loss and failure.  I feel like I have lost him forever and I know that no one will ever love me like he loved me and I know that I will never love anyone like I love him.  It sucks, really.

A lot of people say I will find someone new, but that is not my goal.  My free time is spent solely on my son and my family.  Spending time away from my kid costs way too much.  He is too precious and I find so much comfort just being around him and his joyful toddler self.  His cuddles, hugs and kisses get me through the day.  I know he is feeling my anxiety lately.  When I drop him off at Auntie’s in the morning, he gives me the biggest hugs that last forever.  I hate that this feeling is consuming me and to know I have the power to not let it is just another thing to add to the failure list this week.

I know I made the decision to let my husband go.  I just wanted things to be different.  I did not want to fight anymore and I did not want all of the unhappiness that had built up since our son was born.  I did not know if we could work it out because I felt devoid of any feeling at all.  I was numb.  I cared about him, I loved him, but the passion and happiness that used to accompany our relationship had faded and turned to resentment.  For him, he was in love with me, still.  He held me on the highest pedestal (of which I was bound to fall, and I did, I surely did).  He did not see my request to end the marriage coming and he was devastated.  I broke his heart into a million pieces.  I hate myself for this.

I hate that I did not appreciate him enough with the many things he had to offer.  I hate that I could not fix things within myself in order to keep the marriage together.  I hate that I could not let go of my anger and I hate that I took it out on him.  I hate that I did not know how to handle the problems we had and the conflict that arose.  I hate that I let him go.  I am sorry from the deepest depths of my heart.  As now, it is my heart that is broken.  I have finally realized what I lost in him and hate myself for not realizing it sooner.

The things that we wanted to see change in one another were causing a lot of conflict.  These were/are our fatal flaws.  They were fatal to our marriage and we couldn’t change.  Since his move, he has made the changes.  I have not.  I am stagnant.  I want so much to change for myself and my family.  Another failure on my part.  He is doing great, not exactly happy because he’d rather be with his son, but he seems to have gained some independence, grown and moved on.  Again, I am stagnant.  The only thing that I have changed is admitting to him that I failed him.  That I did not know how to fix what was wrong with me or the conflicts that hit us.

Before he had decided to leave, we discussed seeking counseling and trying to fix things.  I wanted to, I really did, but my unhappiness prevented me from feeling that it would work.  He begged me to let him stay and work on things the day he left.  I so badly wanted to tell him to stay.  But I stood firm and told him that he made the decision to leave us and he needed to go and search for exactly what he wanted.  I told him that I just wanted to be alone.  I did not want to pay for the wrong I had done everyday.  I never felt that he really loved me.  He told me plenty of times that he did.  However, when our monsters came out that love got crushed and forgotten and slowly turned into resentment and hatred.  I did not want our kid to feel our hatred and to learn about relationships from us.  I do not ever want him to see us treat each other badly.  We tried to keep our fights out of his sight.  I am pretty sure he heard some of them.  Another failure.

So, we get on the phone every night so he can speak to his son.  We discuss the email that his “friend” sent me.  I sent her words to him so I could confirm with him that that is what he wanted.  I asked him point blank, “Do you want me to move on?”  He cannot answer that.  He does not have an answer.  He does not want to move back to Georgia and I do not want to move to California, especially since the job market sucks worse than here and we would be royally screwed.  Not to mention the fact, that if I did move back, I would feel like a failure because I could not make it in Georgia.  We moved here to be closer to my family.  I want my son to know his cousins and to know his uncle.  My brother and I were so close growing up and I just wanted that bond back.  I wanted that relationship back.  He joined the military shortly after his 18th birthday and has been away for the last 24 years.  I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place, to be cliche about it.  So, if I move to Cali, I am far from my family with no support.  If he moves, he is far from his family with no support.  That leaves only loneliness for one or the other.  I do not know what’s fair and I do not know how to solve this issue and not sure if it’s my pride standing in the way.  I made the decision to move here and dragged my husband here to an uncomfortable place that does not accept his heritage.  He was legitimately afraid.  A confederate flag hung only two doors down from us.  It’s scary to me too since my son carries half of his Mexican heritage.  And the politicians here just make it worse.  They passed a law similar to Arizona’s anti-immigrant laws.  Which, in all honesty, does not make sense.  It’s not like Georgia has a huge immigrant problem.  Him and I agree that a lot of this is just racism.  These laws are primarily biased and largely profile those of Latino descent and more specifically, Mexicans.  This move may be my biggest failure to our marriage.  I wish I had known, but I did not.  And I do not know what to do now.

I need him to tell me what to do.  I need him to tell me that he loves me again.  I need to tell him that I love him.  I need to do what is right for my family.  I need my family back together again.  I need to change.  I need my never ending failures to stop!

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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10 Responses to The Feeling of Failure

  1. Your words are beautiful and honest. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

  2. Domestiç Reclusë says:

    You’ll be ok, you just need to look beyond your radius & see the bigger picture; your life isn’t ending, it’s just beginning. 🙂

    “Don’t look further for answers: be the solution. You were born with everything you need to know. Make a promise to stop getting in the way of the blessing that you are. Take a deep breath, remember to have fun, and begin.” ~ Jonathan H. Ellerby

    • smommy says:

      I can see the big picture, believe it or not. While looking at my current situation, such as it is, I also think about how it will be once things are settled. Really settled. Falling into routine, looking for new exciting things for my son and I to do…improving my current situation. But for now, living in the now. I also think of the impending struggle, just beginning and trudging through it. I do know things will get better…but I also hate failing. How do you choose to fail at something or not fail? What are the guidelines in which most people make that decision. I believe I read on your blog about failing and divorce, a quote by Dr. Joyce Brothers, I believe….it started me thinking…

      • Domestiç Reclusë says:

        I often look for & post quotes that best relates to what I’m thinking or going through at the moment, as it helps me keep perspective on things when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or when I feel like I should give up, which is the worst of all. We all hate failing, but really, there are no set guidelines as to what’s considered a failure — other than what you set for yourself. You are ultimately, the one who decides something is a failure, a progress, an obstacle, or a success. I can impose my opinion of failure upon you but in the end, I’m not the one who has to go through the next steps, the consequences, the unknown that follows — only you can/do. So don’t worry about what others think or what “guidelines” exist that people use to base their decisions on. And even then, no point in dwelling on something that’s now in the past; you cannot change it. But what you can do is move on than be stagnant, and prepare yourself for greater things ahead. Does this make sense?

        “Failure does not exist. Failure is simply someone else’s opinion of how a certain act should have been completed. Once you believe that no act must be performed in any specific other-directed way, then failing becomes impossible.” ~ Wayne Dyer

      • smommy says:

        Very true. My mother always tells me I am very hard on myself. I’ve just never felt so alone at this moment…trying to quickly extinguish any turmoil due to job and relationship in order to maintain a sense of security for my kid. I would be fine if it was just me.

  3. cobyjean says:

    Dearest — I get it, I know it, I feel it — thanks for putting it into words. Love you.

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