Like I said in my previous post, I was not feeling well at all. I was nauseous all day and general malaise to go along with it. Since I had to take the kid to the doctor for a follow up appointment, I decided I would just take the rest of the day off of work. And, I have to say, this was a most excellent idea.
All I could do was lay on the couch, but my son had the energy of a horse. I guess he was feeling better… Dammit! After about a half hour laying on the couch, I felt a most ominous urge to go to the bathroom. And when I say ominous, I mean diarrhea. It was the kind of urge that I couldn’t snap off with one slight flex of my butt cheeks, but the kind that send you running to the toilet. My brother has a term for this kind of ailment… Yes, I had the “sharts.”
After an entire afternoon of the sharts and lying on the couch, the final installment had finally hit me. I ran to the toilet for the last time and hurriedly sat down and instantly began my business. After all, I really had no choice. Then, to my sheer and utter disbelief, I was horrified by the sight of no toilet paper. Only little shards hanging from the empty roll. I have no one to blame but myself and I just don’t understand how I could have missed this the last twelve times I was visited the toilet. Now, this is a predicament I never thought would occur…here it is though.
I remembered there was a roll sitting on the end table just a few feet from the bathroom. I decided to see if I could get my kid to bring it to me. Since he is only two, I figured that it might be like trying to get one of my dogs to do it. But then I thought, “hell, he’s a smart kid, he can do it.” I call out to him and he promptly responds. I ask him to bring me the roll of toilet paper. After a bit of explaining and show-and-tell, a light comes on and he runs to the living room to grab it. Oh, What a relief! He’s so smart! When he returns, he is holding a small strip of toilet paper that couldn’t even wipe a gerbil’s ass. So I explain that mommy needs more, “Can you go get more toilet paper?” So he drops the small strip and goes to get more and I am thankful once again. He returns with a bigger strip, but this time it’s only enough to wipe a cat’s ass, if that. So I send him back again and told him to bring me the whole roll. “Mommy needs more!”
Needless to say, the kid keeps returning with varying sizes of strips that alone can not wipe what I got going on…but together may be able to do the job. I finally told him to bring me all of the strips that he had torn off and he did. I dabbed and wiped to get most of the job done. Then with my pants on the ground, I stumble to the living room to grab the roll and thankfully returned to finish the job.
All I could do was laugh and be grateful that no one was around to see it. However, I promptly called my mom to tell her the story, as I figured she would find it funny. My family has a history of finding poo stories extremely funny. This is probably where I got my love of poo topic stories and jokes and even my pride of my son’s pooping on the potty.
When my child finds out that I have posted his poo on facebook numerous times, he will most likely be embarrassed. By the time he get’s old enough to realize, facebook won’t be around anymore…but those pictures will always be around. Can’t wait until he starts dating…. If a girl comes around that I don’t particularly care for, I will be pulling out the poo pictures! (but really, I’m not going to be an evil mom like that…I hope)