My Thanksgiving was full of thankful things. My husband came into town to visit with his son and stayed with us for the seven day duration. (Even though my husband and I are separated, neither of us has filed for divorce, despite outside pressures.) At first, I was indifferent about his visit and maybe a little perturbed that I had to wake up at 4:30am to get him from the airport, but all of that changed on day two of his visit.
After my son’s lunch, my husband and son laid down for a nap. I decided to hit the local Walmart to grocery shop for Thanksgiving dinner. While I was there, I decided I should grab some more Christmas lights since they were sold out last year. I ran across the store after finishing my food getting and grabbed a few extra packs of tree lights, just in case. As I wandered through the Christmas section, I thought to myself We need to pick out our Christmas ornament for this year. Then I came to the realization that Crap! WE aren’t picking one out this year because WE aren’t together anymore. Immediately following those thoughts came an onslaught of tears. I couldn’t help myself. I hadn’t cried about our relationship being over since the day he flew back to San Francisco.
Here it is, a week later and I am still crying. My husband showed me no attention, love, affection – NOTHING. After all, it was me who made that fateful decision to break up our family…and for very valid reasons which I will not go into. Suffice it to say, I was very unhappy with the turn my marriage had taken and I didn’t want my son to learn about marriage and relationships from us, the dysfunctional way we were going about it. But now, I wonder if I made the right decision. Was I being selfish or was I valid in my reasoning? I really don’t have the answer for this, but what I do know is that I MISS having my family in one piece for Christmas.
I am trying so desperately to put myself back together for my son and make sure he has a wonderful Christmas. I just don’t seem to be feeling that Christmas spirit like I normally do. I feel no motivation to put the lights on the house or decorate my fireplace…as there will be one less stocking to hang. I am not giving up though, my son and I will go get our Christmas tree this weekend and will decorate that tree better than it’s every been decorated. We will go pick out our own ornaments this year and we will hang those suckers on our beautiful tree. We will pick out goodies together to stuff a third stocking that we will ship before Christmas in hopes that this will make it seem like we are together, even when we are not.