What’s this all about? SMH!

I am a new single mom with a toddler at home.  He is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.  I’m not one of those people that always wanted to get married and have kids.  Never thought that was in the cards for me or my life.  I was always focused on school and career.  But approaching my thirties, that all changed.  That stupid and mythical biological clock started ticking like a time bomb inside of my already crud filled head. I went to college in San Francisco and studied sculpture and art history.  I just wanted a degree.  I didn’t care what it was in…I figured I could make more money by just having one.

Well, that is true.  My income did grow exponentially, but I was still stuck in an office doing the same old thing.  Admin-ing!  Ugh!  I hate even admitting that fact.  I try not to acknowledge it.  And even more so now as I quickly approach my forties.  Crap!  Did I just say that out loud, I’m gonna be forty soon.  Since I’m new here, I bet no one will hear it.  But I hate where my life and career have taken me and understand fully that I have control over my destiny and yet I sit here at a computer, all day, every day doing some executives bidding and get paid a meager wage.  I really do want a career in some creative industry doing something creative.  But it looks as thought that may never happen.

Since the recession and my son was born, money has been tight.  And when I say tight, I mean like camel-toe in white jeans TIGHT!  My Ex contributes a little money to the child-rearing fund, but I feel bad that I still make more money than he does. Is it right to take money from this guy!?  I don’t know.  But when I need it, I ask for it and he hands it over.  For the most part, no questions asked.  But that’s mostly because I tell him up front that it’s for diapers or we need to eat or something necessary like that.

So, here I am.  Trying desperately to find an outlet for both my creativity and my life’s frustrations and to also share my little joys.  As, even though my life has taken a harsh, ugly turn, that kid is my JOY!  He is the one thing in life that I am so very proud of doing.  Hell, I probably had fun doing it.

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About smommy

I am a single mom, by choice. I decided to separate from my husband and an unhappy marriage over three years ago. My son was two at the time. I am pretty much raising my kid on my own with occasional support of my family when I need it. (I don't like to admit I need it, ever!) My soon to be ex-husband (STBX) is an alcoholic and after we separated and he moved back to San Francisco, he became a drug addict also. Life is a struggle, but a sweet one since I have this awesome boy and we love each other sooooo much! Now, if I could magically be divorced, that would be great...but alas, I cannot force him to sign the documents. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are moments when it seems so far away and unreachable.
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2 Responses to What’s this all about? SMH!

  1. kantal113 says:

    Hey there. Thanks for reading and following my blog. 🙂 I appreciate a good newbie blogger!
    It seems we’re opposites, as far as our kids are concerned. I do love mine and he is the most wonderful creature to ever grace this planet, IMO (don’t ask the hubs, he’ll laugh and say the opposite. He’s the step-daddy, and has yet to fall in love with my little man. It’s okay though, because I don’t love his kids either. LOL), but…

    I always wanted to be a mom. It was the one thing I knew was in the cards for me and the one thing I was so sure I’d be good at, since I liked kids so much and all. I even worked in childcare for a few years and couldn’t get enough of the little buggers!
    Once I got pregnant and got over the shock and terror, I was pretty excited to finally become a mom. I was 30 at the time, and had been worrying that I’d never be able to be the mommy I always wanted to be.

    Once my little man was born, I felt complete and like I had finally found my calling…until he was about 2.5. Then- I kinda did a 180 and realized that being a mom was harder than I thought it was going to be. I realized that when 2.5 year-olds are yours and you have to be with them 24/7 (when you’re a single mom who can’t find a damned job to save her life!), they are excruciatingly difficult to be around. Sadly, it’s only gotten worse, and he’s now 5.
    I am also married to a man who has 2 more kids; a 6 yo and an 8 yo with special needs. *sigh*
    Not sure what I got myself into anymore.
    I hate to say it, but I no longer LOVE being a mom, but I am trying to do my best with what I have and I never let my baby boy know how much I despise my job, because I do adore the very ground he walks on. 🙂

    Yikes. Sorry for the novel. I smell a blog post about this very topic coming on…
    Must get writing!

    • smommy says:

      One thing we do have in common… I really hated being a SAHM. I felt so useless and alone. And like you, I absolutely worship my child and am in awe of him quite often. I think the hardest thing about being a mom is keeping the sanity. I was unemployed for two years after my son was bored and it was so difficult to stave off the depression. I received no understanding/support about it at home and sought group therapy, which helped a lot. It got me out of the house and in touch with people like me. Oh, and that lovely medication…zoloft! Yay for meds! 🙂 Funny enough, now that I’m working, I wish I was at home with my kid…mostly because I hate the job that I had to settle for. I cannot wait until the economy bounces back so I can have a happier life, maybe a bit more money.

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